Review: Enchanted

Enchanted ***1/2

Ever since Bambi Meets Godzilla ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BXCUBVS4kfQ ), we have been living in a post-Disney world where saccharine sentimentality in children's cartoon's just doesn't do it for anybody. The three Shrek features put the final nails in that coffin. Enchanted proves that even Disney lives in a post-Disney world. No one has skewered the princess-fantasy genre the way this film does -- with broad satire and genuine affection for the decent (if sometimes sexist) values the genre represents. A princess, her prince, an evil stepmother queen, and her bumbling retainer are transported to Times Square, and all sorts of mischief breaks out. And, oh yes, one very frustrated chipmunk makes his appearance too.

There is a romantic love story at the center of the film, but that alone doesn't make it a "chick flick." I asked Max, my grandson and 10-year-old critic of kids' films, what he thought of the picture. He's at that "kissing-is-icky" stage and, so, I thought he might pan the film. But he didn't. He thought "it was really funny." Is this a new genre? Kid's films with chick flick components? Nanny McPhee was one.

My favorite part occured when Princess Giselle, finding herself in a cluttered, dirty Manhattan apartment, summoned all available New York critters to assist her a la Snow White in the dwarves' cottage. If you've seen Joe's Apartment, you know animated dancing cockroaches can be endearing.

Definitely take the kids to see this one, and, if you don't have kids, go anyway. It's that good.

Review: Beowulf

Beowulf ***1/2

I was prepared to be disappointed by Beowulf. I knew the new interpreters of this ancient story would tailor it for the 21st century. That was inevitable. There would be more emphasis on the blood and gore (not that there isn't a lot of that in the poem). I knew they'd probably mess around with the plot -- and they did. Grendel's Mother, played by Angelina Jolie, does not die when she's supposed to, and Beowulf doesn't go home to Geatland to be King. Instead, he hangs around with the Danes and rules them until his final battle with the dragon.

So, before I walked into the film, I decided to forgive its departures from the Old English poem. And I was blown away watching it in 3-D on a large screen. My advice: see it while it's in the theatres in 3-D. The experience is stunning. It might cost you $11.75, but it's worth it. Spears, arrows, and knives come right at you. Blood drips on you and snow falls so near and so gently, you reach out to feel it land in your hand. The animation is similar to that in Zemeckis's Polar Express, but it seems to be a few steps beyond that. And the technique allows for the perfection and alteration of bodies. Ray Winstone and Angelina Jolie both have beyond-belief-perfect bodies. Robin Wright Penn, who keeps her clothes on, is an errily stunning Danish beauty. Her jawline seems more square than in actuality and helps to make her every inch a queen.

The movie does do a fine job preserving the heroic culture of the late first millenium in England. The boasting and exaggeration are all there as well as the political structure of thanes and lords and the centrality of the mead hall. There are even a few nods to the introduction of Christianity to England -- "the Roman god, Christ Jesus." I especially enjoyed the few moments when a scop (a singer of tales) recited Beowulf in Old English. All in all, it's fine movie. If you liked 300, you'll enjoy this one too.

If I Didn't Go to Movies, I'd Have Nothing to Write About.

No Country for Old Men ****

Wow. What an amazing film. Yes, I am a big Coen Brothers fan. How can you not be? Brother Where Art Thou? Fargo. The Big Lebowski. Barton Fink. Miller's Crossing. Raising Arizona. The Hudsucker Proxy. But this film had me holding my breath. So much came together so well. Gorgeous cinematography and, as usual, counterpoint perfect editing. And layered, mesmerizing performances. Tommy Lee Jones exhibits the most weathered, expressive face in film. Weariness just drips from him as he hold on to the moral center of the story. And Javier Bardem transmogrifies into mindless evil incarnate. Josh Brolin manages to rivet our attention in spite of the fact that we all know what's going to happen to him as soon as he make his first dumb decision. Woody Harrelson, Kelly Macdonald, and Tess Harper all deliver nuanced performances worthy of Oscar nods.

The dialogue is spare like the landscape; it lacks the constant wit and satire of Fargo, but that's not a problem. This terse dialogue is probably due in large part to Cormac McCarthy's novel on which the film was based. Often, when Sheriff Bell (Tommy Lee Jones) speaks, however, his thoughtful, witty comments seem not so much directed at another person as toward the out-of-kilter universe or the God who, he is convinced, has passed him by.

The movie is extremely violent. Death comes suddenly with little warning. On one level, the movie is a thriller, a story of drugs and violence, a good, solid story. On another level, however, the movie channels Ingmar Bergman's The Seventh Seal. A preposterous claim? I think not. The movie works as a metaphor for the transitory nature of our existence. Death comes for all. Some sooner. Some later. Bell is Everyman trying to make sense of it all. Pay attention to his description of his dream at the end of the movie. It is death toward which he moves, just as we all do. As the tagline points out, "There are no clean getaways."

A Few More Movies

Semesters are wonderful, but the relaxed pace is about to run pall-mall into the abyss in these last two weeks. I'm trying to stay on track but, of course, I'm on break, so I'm going to movies:

Lars and the Real Girl ****

The best movie I've seen in a long time. Don't let the plot description turn you away: a quiet, nerdy, lonely young man who lives in the garage of his brother's house, decides to send away for an anatomically correct life-size female doll. The young man, Lars, introduces Bianca from Brazil, the doll, to his brother and his wife. Bianca, it seems, is a missionary who loves children. Lars asks if she can stay in the house with them because it just wouldn't be proper to have her in the garage with him. Recognizing Lar's fragile hold on reality, the brother agrees to Lars' request. His pregnant wife, a wise young woman, suggests they bring Bianca to their family practice physician the next day just to make sure she's OK. And therein begins the real story -- how an entire town, out of deep affection for Lars, comes together to support him and see him through a difficult time in his life. The cast is Midwestern-real. Especially effective are Ryan Gosling as Lars, Paul Schneider as his brother, and the always compelling Patricia Clarkson as the doctor of all our dreams: patient, kind, and insightful. The film testifies to the prodigious power of community.

Dan in Real Life **

How do you make a film about a depressed, emotionally paralyzed man without making it incredibly boring? You make Lars and the Real Girl, that's what you do. Unfortunately, Dan in Real Life just remains a really slow-moving film about a very depressed guy who spends most of his time looking soulfully out into space.

Dan in real life has many of the right ingredients for a fine film, especially its excellent cast. I must admit I have a real soft spot for Steve Carrell. He transcended the silliness of The 40 Year Old Virgin and emerged an appealing, sensitive guy you'd like to take home to Mom. In fact, that sweet appeal of Mr Carrell is what will prevent the American version of The Office from surpassing the satire of the English version, which features the wonderfully vile Ricky Gervais. But I digress.

What is wrong with Dan in Real Life? 1) Zero chemistry between Carrell and his love interest, Juliette Binoche, who phones in her performance. 2) Also no chemistry between Diane Wiest and John Mahoney. Are they a long-married couple or did they just meet before filming? 3) A dreadfully slow pace. It's only about 90 minutes long, but I thought it was more like Return of the King with the extra scenes. Bottom line: rent it some winter night when you're really bored.

The Bee Movie **1/2

I wanted so much to like this movie. After all, Jerry Seinfield wrote it and is the lead bee. I really wish I hadn't read a recent article in the New York Times which detailed how erroneous Hollywood's view of bee life actually is. Reality is actually much more exciting. Here's the article. It's a great read:

http://www.nytimes.com/2007/11/13/science/13angi.html?ex=1195621200&en=fed2706bf65cfe12&ei=5070&emc=eta1.

And here's my big confession. I fell asleep about a half hour into the movie, right after the homage to The Graduate, which was witty in a Seinfeld sort of way. So, I asked Max, my grandson, what rating he would give it: his answer -- 6 on a 10 point scale. It's a good movie to take kids to -- nothing more.

It's Been a While

From October 25 through last Monday, my Dad was in the hospital with a broken hip. Needless to say, I spent a great deal of time with my Dad and then spent quite a few days driving back and forth from Evanston to see him. He's doing OK, and is recovering from surgery nicely. He has amazing tolerance of pain. He hasn't complained of being uncomfortable since the surgery. The biggest issue right now is that he's not cooperating with the physical therapists. He needs to get up and try to walk around. And that, of course, depends on his mood and how much he feels he's in control of any given situation.

Dad has had dementia for at least eight years and has been in a nursing home for the last four years. He has profound aphasia; he can't communicate in any meaningful way. Sometimes he speaks words, but they usually have nothing to do with the context. His cognitive abilities are seriously impaired. It's been a long, frustrating haul.

I just looked at a picture of him from four years ago. He could no longer take care of himself then and needed 24 hour care, but, looking back, I can say that was a good time for him. He was able to communicate his desires and frustrations. Strangely, if he had Alzheimer's, dealing with him might be easier. He wouldn't know us. He wouldn't care when we came to visit. He wouldn't expect us to take him home. But he does know us, and he still exhibits enough cognitive ability to be frustrated with his inability to communicate. Dementia is a hateful, destructive disease.

Reviews: Gone Baby Gone and Across the Universe

Gone Baby Gone**

Critics have been gaga over this movie. A few days ago Rotten Tomatoes showed 91% of critics on the positive side of the fence. What were they smoking? Are they just being kind to Ben Affleck, throwing him a bone for all their bad reviews of his acting? It's a good thing his wife can bring home the bacon because Ben can't direct or write that well. And the latter is shocking because Good Will Hunting was a fine piece of work. But perhaps Mr. Damon had more to do with that excellent script than Ben did. Matt was thanked in the this movie's credits. I wish he had given the script more than a once over.

What's the problem? A preposterous story, so convoluted it was laughable. Ludicrous twists and turns. Morgan Freeman did his usual best in a thankless role. My fellow Aquinite, Amy Madigan, was awesome as a bitter, barren, angry Irish woman (a deadly combination). She let every wrinkle show. I can't believe she's just two years younger than me. Do I look that old? I hope that was just makeup. Bottom line: the writing was poor, the editing sucked, and the direction was pitiful. Casey Affleck did a decent job in the lead, but there was something off about his character. He didn't quite fit in with the South Boston crowd.

Across the Universe****

I've been eager to see this movie ever since it came out and I finally convinced my friend Linda to go see it. Reviews were mediocre, but some critics, like Ebert, raved about it. I'm raving about it too. Finally, the sixth movie in 10 days is a good one. 33 Beatles songs weave in and out of the story set in '67-'68 I'd say. Caveat: Yes, I probably loved it because those were my college years, but it really was beautifully made. Some of the production numbers were mind blowing, especially the one in the Army Induction Office. Jim Sturgess and Evan Rachel Wood did all their own singing and their voices were excellent. Joe Cocker, Bono, Eddie Izzard, and Salma Hayak all made cameo singing appearances. Cocker was especially fun to watch singing "Come Together."

I was very impressed with the attention to detail in recreating the 60s: the clothing, yes, but all sorts of little touches like the antique washers and dryers in the landromat. I thought the shift from sexual innocence to sexual revolution was also well portrayed. At the beginning, in both the U.S. and England, the couples had very chaste relationships; this all changed once everyone got to New York and the counterculture scene there. The office of the Columbia campus revolutionaries looked like every such office I was ever in: lots of ego-driven, passionate guys talking to each other while all the girls stuffed envelopes.

The movie was directed by Julie Taymor who directed The Lion King on Broadway. Her creativity is in evidence everywhere. The songs fit the plot and the plot drips with visual and aural nods to the songs. One surprise: the lead lady's name is Lucy, so we expect to hear "Lucy in the Sky" somewhere, but we don't hear it until the credits. And, they didn't sing my favorite Beatles song, "In My Life," but I didn't mind.

That's Just the Way It Is

I'm through apologizing when I start a blog entry, apologizing because it has been such a long time since I wrote anything. That's just the way it is. Business as usual. Saw four movies over my "fall break," all of two days -- last Thursday and Friday. So, four days with the weekend. Here are my thumbnail reviews:

The Jane Austen Book Club **

Definitely a chick flick, but a good one to rent. Not one to spend money on and see on the big screen. Lots of Jane Austen talk. I thought it would bore my friend who wasn't familiar with all six novels, but she liked it just fine. One really good performance -- Emily Blount -- playing an American, a very neurotic one. Very convincing. Reminded me of someone I know.

Elizabeth: The Golden Age **1/2

Everyone else in the world seems to love this movie, and, yes, Cate Blanchett, does a wonderful job as Elizabeth. She is a powerful prince. The costumes are stunning; the special effects are effective; the music is, well, a bit overbearing. Clive Owen is a hottie as always, but seems a bit out of place in the movie. My problem: I didn't see a story here. Now, I know there's plenty of history, but not a story. The Raleigh/Liz thing seemed forced and just not there. Where is Errol Flynn when you need him? OK, I realize Errol played Essex against Bette's Liz and Vincent Price was Raleigh, but at least there were sparks with Errol. Geoffrey Rush as Walsingham didn't seem like the same guy from the last movie. I realize the character is a lot older, but he seems to have lost his pizazz. And here's my big problem (and I realize there are good arguments for why this shouldn't be a problem -- as in THIS IS A MOVIE, NOT HISTORY). Anyway, I didn't like the way the writers etc. played around with history. When Cate as Joan of Arc was trying to control that horse she was on before the battle, I thought she might launch into the "Once more into the breach" speech from Henry V. OK, I'll admit I don't know history that well, but would she have worn a suit of armor like that? And I can't believe she stood on some cliff in her nightgown and watched the Armada burn. I think that cliff was why the credits thanked "Ryan's Daughter" for footage borrowed. Bigger problem: Mary Stuart. First, supposedly she was devastatingly beautiful. Samantha Morton isn't unattractive, but she's no belle of the ball. Also, she spoke like a Scottish lass. Now really, didn't the woman spend her formative years in France speaking French? Wouldn't that have been her accent? As I said, I'm no historian, but there was something off about the movie.

Michael Clayton ***

Ah, George Clooney. Not tough to look at at all. Terrific acting in this movie. George did well and Tilda Swinton was a woman on the edge doing terrible things. I also love Sydney Pollack; his roles are always in a certain range, but he does them so well. Tom Wilkinson is his usual amazing self. It was all very well done, but I felt the movie plot was somewhat derivative. It reminded me of The Verdict, Silkwood, and The Insider to name a few. I would, however, recommend spending the $9.50 this one.

Eastern Promises ****

I admit that I really like Croenenberg's movies. History of Violence is up there with my all time favorites. And not just because of Viggo. I must admit, though that Viggo naked trumps George with clothes on any day. Incredibly graphically violent. I had to cover my eyes. Again, masterful acting. Viggo was stunning and in control of the screen whenever he was on it. Naomi Watts was excellent and it was good to see Sinead O'Connor, who should be in more widely distributed films. Armin Mueller-Stahl was disturbingly venal, unbelievably evil. His son, played by Vincent Cassel was a walking disaster -- he did it well. I did figure out what was really going on early in the film, but that didn't spoil the viewing experience at all. All in all, an amazing film -- much beyond the ordinary.

They Didn't Deserve to Win

OK, the Cubs just lost their third straight game in the playoffs. It was embarrassing. About the sixth inning, I thought, "I really don't want them to win. They don't deserve it." Wait until next year? 99 years and counting.

Nuns 'n Such

I just noticed how long it's been since I blogged. Seminary work has gotten the better of me in the last couple of weeks. As usual, I'm trying to read everything, compulsive as ever. The best part of last week included our Preaching class (a class in which, oddly enough, we will not preach). Well, that's not exactly fair. The title is Christian Communication and our professor intends it to be preparatory to next semester's TRUE preaching course. So, we had a 13th century Eucharist, a mass that was so far away from what we do now that I thought I was back at Our Lady Gate of Heaven in 1955. It wasn't that different from the good old Tridentine Mass. The priest and deacon/altar boy were on the altar, but only the Lord and Lady of the manor and the local, attached anchoress (me) paid attention to what was going on. (A word about anchoresses. They and the anchorites (males) withdrew from ordinary life in the middle ages and spent their time praying. They weren't hermits who went off into the desert. They usually lived in cells attached to churches from which they could view the altar, counsel people, get their meals, and pray a lot. Some were gifted gossips. I decided I'd be one of those although no one gave me the opportunity to gossip.) The rest of the class did what the people of the middle ages did in church: they milled around, talked to one another, took a tour of the stained glass windows, and generally ignored what was going on up on the altar. On cue, they paid attention when the Sanctus bells rang.

The Mass transported me to my childhood and my first worship experiences. I’d forgotten how pre-Vatican II services emphasized the interchange between priest and servers, how any other person present was irrelevant. I’ve come to expect modern Eucharists to begin with a priest announcing his or her presence and to offer cues for my participation. There was none of that on Thursday. In the gloom, with no clear beginning, I suddenly realized that the priest was saying the Confiteor, sotto voce. I couldn’t even hear him finish, but the server began the response, so that became my signal to begin.

I felt like a spectator watching a play, albeit one in which I participated a bit. The Latin of the Ordinary of the Mass and its meaning were familiar to me, and I was able to recognize enough Latin in the Gospel to know that the priest was reading about the “lilies of the field,” but, even then, I felt distanced from the experience. When I was a child, this type of service was all I knew, so it was normal and appropriate. Now, I experience it differently. The priest reading the biblical texts in Latin while facing the altar seemed especially exclusionary. All of us, even the lord and his lady, were separated from the sphere of influence of the priest. He controlled the space around the altar; none of us would have dared approach him. Wouldn't go back to that for all the artwork in the Vatican.

Speaking of nuns, the two I've attached represent the orders that ran my elementary school (Sisters of St. Joseph-on the left, black habit) and high school (Adrian Dominicans - on the right, white habit).

I do believe!

Yes, I have drunk the Kool Aid. The magic number is 6 and, as always, I believe. This is our year. It's going to happen. I love hearing everyone sing the Steve Goodman Cubs Victory song at the end of the games we win.

Now, how am I going to function in seminary with playoffs as competition? No contest there. I'm not going to live another 99 years. This town will go crazy.

Oh, the picture above. Ernie Banks, Len Johnson (a WGN sportscaster from the 60s), and my former neighbor and all around nice guy, Billy Williams. I must say it was pretty neat to live a few doors away from a Hall of Famer for 10 years. He sang "Take Me Out To the Ballgame" the other day with his three grandsons. They were the cutest little boys. What must it be like to be in grade school and tell your friends that your grandpa is in Cooperstown?

There's just one big thing that's bumming me out about all of this. My Dad, with his strange dementia. I'm not sure if he really understands what's going on with the Cubs. He's been such a loyal fan his whole life, from the time he was a little boy. And it wasn't easy to be a Cub fan on the South Side. Take it from one who knows. So, I just don't know what he's taking in right now.

I can't believe this is just the end of the second week of school. I feel as if I've been here for months. As usual, I'm inundated with reading -- if it just weren't all so engrossing I'd be doing more skimming. Instead, I find myself rereading particularly beautiful passages. Okay, I'm not so excited about readings from Aristotle and Aquinas, but I just finished At the Will of the Body: Reflections on Illness by Arthur Frank. It's a great book for chaplains to read after CPE, but I wish I'd read it before the summer. Frank reflects on his experience with a heart attack and with testicular cancer, with emphasis on the latter. He explores our generally dysfunctional attitudes toward illness and cancer in particular. His main point is that "The responsibility of the ill, then, is not to get well but to express their illness well. And the two have nothing to do with each other" (127). Good stuff.
The picture is a favorite of mine from early spring. It's Junko, Noriko, and Kuni -- one relative and two friends.

A Week as a Middler

I've survived my first week of my second year in seminary. I was hoping this semester might not be as tasking as other terms have been. Well, all hope is lost. I'm taking four classes Preaching, Plunge (too difficult to explain -- suffice it to say, it's a practicum), Ethics, and Pastoral Care in Illness and Suffering. Here it is my first weekend and I'm working on two papers already. And it's fall in Chicago. The glorious season. Made even more glorious by the Cubs' victory today. My brother Mark has accused me of drinking the Kool Aid, but I do believe the boys will do it this year.

Trompe L'Oeil

I love this trompe l'oeil. It certainly gives the observor an interesting point of view. Would make most people a bit uncomfortable, I believe. It reminds me of one of my favorite places in Rome, Il Gesu, the church of the Jesuits with its remarkable trompe l'oeil baroque paintings, so amazing it's difficult not to believe the angels aren't descending from the dome.

So, here I am, the night before my first class of my second year of seminary. I'm excited about my schedule. I have my first preaching class, Ethics, a course at Garrett on Pastoral Care and Illness and Suffering, and the class that prepares us for Plunge in January (more about that later -- don't have the energy today). I had a lovely day with my brothers, my sister-in-law, and my son's family. The Cubs endured an embarrassing loss. We played a wild game of Apples to Apples (my daughter-in-law Junko won). I brought the dessert and, for the first time in about forty-five years, my family was treated to four pints of Walgreen's ice cream and a box of Maurice Lennell cookies -- a true Chicago feast. When we were kids, my Dad would often stop at Walgreen's on payday (once a month) and pick up four pints for a dollar. They were square and wrapped in folded cardboard in the way ice cream always used to be packaged. Dad would remove the cardboard "jackets" and cut the blocks with a knife, serving us our favorite flavors. Today I bought Rocky Road, Moose Tracks, Banana Split, and Creme de Menthe. They were a nostalgic hit. I'd forgotten all these years how good Walgreen's ice cream is.

I think I'm ready for the merry-go-round to begin again. My vow is to lighten up this year, to make sure I make time for myself and to refrain from compulsive/obsessive studying.

The Crayon Thing

Via Emily and Beth. Actually the color is no surprise. Pretty accurate too. Of course, why wouldn't I say so? It's quite positive. I should search for a few green crayons and learn more about why I drive them crazy. I have a feeling my wasbund may have been green -- and it's not easy . . . yada yada.

You Are a Red Crayon

Your world is colored with bright, vivid, wild colors. You have a deep, complex personality - and you are always expressing something about yourself. Bold and dominant, you are a natural leader. You have an energy that is intense... and sometimes overwhelming. Your reaction to everything tends to be strong. You are the master of love-hate relationships. Your color wheel opposite is green. Green people are way too mellow to understand what drives your energy.

More CPE Reflections

Space and time are finally making a difference for me. When I would come home after being at the hospital all day, I'd make myself some dinner, turn on the TV, and fall asleep sitting up after about twenty minutes. I usually slept every night for about two hours and woke with a crick in my neck. At first this really bothered me. I thought I just didn't have the stamina I needed to be a chaplain; then I discovered that the other CPE-ers were just as exhausted as I was. Of course, I finally realized, as so many people have pointed out to me, the exhaustion was more emotional than physical. After going back to Seabury on Monday night, I finally felt as if I had left the world of chaplaincy and was back in Seminaryland. I've also noticed that I don't fall asleep in the evening the way I used to. I seem to have a great deal more energy. Others have mentioned that it takes a while to "come down" from the CPE experience. That's certainly been true for me. It's also interesting that, while I was doing CPE, the thought of going back to school just wearied me. I think I just couldn't deal with the emotional load of both CPE and school. Now that CPE is over, school is looking really good. I love the fall. New books, new pens, new pads of paper.

Enough Already with the Rain

It is a wet August. The good side of all this is that I don't have to water all the new plantings around my townhouse. And that is good news for the plantings because I'm far from a model gardener. I've never taken Candide very seriously and haven't spent much time cultivating my own garden.

I was driving on the north side of Wheaton when a violent thunderstorm hit a few minutes after 3pm. I was driving north on Main Street when it seemed like an explosion hit the trees on the other side of the road. They fell over like toothpicks onto the street. Luckily, no cars were in the way. I decided to turn around and head home, threading my way through north Glen Ellyn. I felt like a rat in a maze. I'd go down a street and then have to turn around and head down another road because fallen trees blocked the way. Quite the mess.

CPE is Over

It's been a particularly odd day. CPE ended yesterday and I feel as if I've stepped from one planet onto another. The world is so different today. My supervisor told us how the summer's experience would be "cumulative." The pile up of tragedy has been getting to me the last few days. Today, with the responsibility of caring for all those sick people suddenly lifted, with the absence of my badge and my pager gone, I feel a strange loss. I do not feel relief. I'm all too aware that the hospital is still full of people, some of whom I came to care a great deal about.

I haven't gotten much done today. Played lots of solitaire. Watched a few movies. Went to see Bourne Ultimatum and out to dinner with my friend Linda. But during the movie, all I could think about was that all those people who were beating up on each other and jumping through windows and off buildings would never have been able to walk away from those situations. They would be in the hospital having multiple surgeries at the very least. Most would be dead.

It has been a very long 11 weeks.

Finishing CPE

So, here I am, one week to go in CPE. I'm glad it's ending even though it was a great experience. But . . . too many 70 hour weeks. It's not the physical strain. That I can handle. It's the emotional strain. My supervisor said the effect of it all is cumulative -- and she's right. I keep thinking of the song, "Blowin' in the Wind." Yes, "too many people have died."

I had hoped to write about this experience, but the need for confidentiality prevents me from saying very much about specific patients or my fellow students and staff chaplains. Of course, I wrote lots of verbatims (write-ups of conversations with patients or families) and reflection papers on any number of topics. I've saved them. I imagine I'll look at them in a few years and laugh at myself.

Before CPE started, I worried about having to pray spontaneously with patients more than anything else. I know that probably sounds lame, but having grown up Roman Catholic and then having become Episcopal, I am truly one of the "people of the Book." When it came time to pray, however, I did just fine. A couple of times I did forget the name of the person I was praying with, so there was a bit of "Lord, surround . . . surround this wonderful man with your love." I generally began my oremus with "The Lord's Prayer," which I called "The Our Father" for the many Roman Catholics at my hospital. I liked to begin with something I knew. Sort of a warm-up. For the RCs, I had to remember to end the prayer at " and deliver us from evil." If I slipped into the "Protestant ending" ("For thine is the power, etc.), I sometimes got quite the look from older RCs. I was immediately suspect and probably a dangerous heretic of some kind.

Almost invariably the patient would cry as we recited the prayer together. Almost invariably. Often the patient and I had been having a pleasant, harmless conversation before the prayer. No God-talk. No talk about sickness or death or dying. Quite a few were in the hospital for relatively benign reasons, so terminal diagnoses did not explain the tears. But they cried. I would like to talk with each of them to understand what touched them. Was it a specific line? Or was it just the act of saying it? Did it bring back memories? Of childhood faith? Of a faith abandoned? Or was it just the grace of the moment? Did they feel what I felt so often in patients' rooms? Did they feel that God was there with us? That something happened between us that had nothing to do with either of us? That when all was said and done, in moments like this only faith mattered. That, in truth, nothing can separate us from the love of Christ.

I just deleted a post

I wrote a post two weeks ago about an incident that occurred the first day I was on my own in CPE (Clinical Pastoral Education). I'm functioning as a chaplain at Good Samaritan Hospital in Downers Grove. It was a doozy. Very Twilight Zone. Unfortunately, as I finished it, I realized I can't blog about it without violating confidentiality. Even if I disguised the names, I would be revealing too much information. The situation is unfortunate, but it's necessary.

So, I can't talk about specific incidents, fascinating though they be, but I can talk about what I'm learning about myself through my experiences. Hope this doesn't devolve into naval gnawing. We do so much introspection in CPE, there is a danger of that.

So far, I'm finding the experience wonderful. People ask me if I "like" it. That verb just doesn't work in this context. I've had really wonderful conversations with people and I've had really unpleasant conversations too. I'm surprised to find that the smells and sights of the hospital room and ER don't bother me as I thought they might. Also, when I deal with people in crisis, I'm not dissolving into a puddle as I thought I might. My eyes do tear up now and then. I'd be inhuman if they didn't. I suppose one of the first things seminarians come face to face with in CPE is that life is, indeed, incredibly fragile. One step can separate us from a lifelong disability or sudden death. Had a fender bender last week (definitely not my fault) and I find I'm a bit wary when I'm driving, a little fearful. I hope that passes soon. Also, I pay special attention to motorcyclists. It's so easy not to see them, to creep up on them and bump them off the road. And this stupid state doesn't require helmets. I've seen a few head injuries that are the result of that omission. I'll be back with more thoughts soon.

Ascension Thursday

I'm 15 minutes or so away from Ascension Thursday and thought I'd take this opportunity to add a short post. I actually have finished all my reading for this week. This is a first -- and probably a last. I'm wondering what I should do tomorrow. Relax? Go to a movie? Veg? Actually, I probably should forge ahead with next week's assignments. This sense of having time is an illusion. My video project for New Testament will probably take longer to produce than I think it will, and the next two weeks will be jam-packed with extra activities. And, my friend Mary McAloon just called because she's having brain surgery on Friday. (She had an 8 hour surgery for removal of a tumor 2 years ago. Some of it was inoperable at the time, so they're going in to get some more. It should only be a 2 hour surgery. Lots of prayers on Friday.) In the meantime, her husband's mother died last night, so I will be going to the wake or funeral depending on the schedule. So, why am I feeling so relaxed about my class work? I'm clearly deranged. I am looking forward to Mass tomorrow. My fellow seminarian, Meg, is the MC and will be releasing butterflies at the appropriate time. I hope the weather improves. It's rather cold tonight. I've attached Dali's depiction of the Ascension. Ah, and at 7 pm tonight, a spectacular full rainbow stretched across the Eastern sky. I could distinguish six colors. I never can see the 7th.

The Merry Month of May

I am so looking forward to reading week (next week). I know it will be crazy. I have a long list of things I have to get done at home, but it will be a good break for me. I think most of us would be very happy to end the quarter today. It's time to stop. I keep falling asleep as I'm reading; last night I was reading some theology, the same paragraph over and over. My ability to cogitate was gone. I was fried.

Old Friends

Again, I haven't blogged in a long time. School and my life are one and the same. At least I'm not going a whole quarter without communicating -- to myself, it seems. I haven't figured out how people can get access to my musings yet. But, mirabile dictu, I have reconnected with my undergraduate classics professor, Moshe Bernstein (not such a narrative leap as he attempted to access my blog and was unsuccessful). Moshe and I are about the same age. He was the bright spot of my undergraduate career. I took Latin and Greek from him and plenty of Greek in translation: a Euripides course was the best. I remember fondly that Moshe and I used to roll our eyes at each other (as discreetly as possible) when a student said something irreparably ignorant. We were young and cruel. What can I say? I especially remember my first quarter of Greek. I expected to see five or six students the first day of class. Instead the room was filled to capacity, somewhere between 20 and 25 I imagine. And just about everyone had a Greek surname (and a Greek forename too -- lots of Dimitri's). They had taken the course because they all spoke Modern Greek and it never occured to them that the language might have changed a bit in 2000 years. Needless to say, it was more difficult for them to learn classical Greek than it was for me: too many pronunciation, grammar, syntax, and semantic changes for modern Greek speakers. The next quarter there were only five of us.

So, to make this long story shorter, I started to think about Moshe as we began to study New Testament this quarter because, of course, we had used a Koine New Testament for class those many years ago. I googled Moshe and there was a bible professor at Yeshiva with that name. Now, I know that there are a lot of Moshe Bernsteins out there, but I knew it was my Moshe. He is amazed I thought that, but, as I told him, I always thought his heart was with bible and that was what he was supposed to be teaching. And so he is -- for the last 25 years or so. And he's on the editorial board of the Dead Sea Scrolls and hangs around with Christian OT scholars, including one at Garrett, Julie Duncan, whom I need to look up.

So that's my story. School is intense and I'm looking forward to THE END, but I'm loving theology ( a major surprise as I have theologiphobia ) and I'm enjoying all my other classes too.
I'm adding this wonderful Max Ernst portrait of the Virgin Spanking Jesus.

I promised myself . . .

I promised myself that I wouldn't let this quarter go by without blogging, so here's one. I think one of my problems is that I feel this need to say something substantial, weighty, extended. Got to get over that. Got to get over a lot of things.

Here we are already done with two weeks of the quarter. I can't believe that in eight weeks, I'll be a middler. Time is flying. Not at all like my undergraduate days that seemed to go on forever. Come to think of it, they did -- from '65 through '73 with a four year break in between.

The good news is that I have my head on straight again as far as food is concerned. Now I know how easy it is to gain back weight. I dropped five pounds pretty quickly, but the next five will be tougher. I was also reading that the surgery seems to cause those of us who undergo it to hit a plateau that is tough to break through. I know I need to get my butt moving -at least walking. That would help.

I'm loving my courses but the reading load is horrendous. We're all behind already, mostly because of theology. AKMA and Paula have also assigned a decent amount of reading, as well as Georgia, but it's all manageable. Ellen is trying to give us all we'll need for Systematic Theology and the reading is impossible. In the last 2 quarters, I was able to read about 97% of everything assigned. I'm already skimming a lot of the work this quarter. The irony is that Ellen's readings are fantastic. The class is truly wonderful, but I wonder if we wouldn't be doing it more justice by giving fewer readings more attention. I have stopped reading endnotes, prefaces, and intros entirely and I hate that.

Next week is Holy Week, so we have a bit of a break except for the commitment to services. But Max will be baptized on Easter. I'm so excited. Everytime we pray for those who are to be baptized, I get a chill.

I'm doing this on my new XPSM1210 Dell computer which I love. So far, I'm liking Vista and Office 2007. It's not perfect but what ever is from Microsoft?

An Anniversary

Today is the second anniversary of my gastric bypass surgery -- and I'm feeling great. I had lost 130 pounds, now it's 120 but I'm back on the straight and narrow. Amazing how the weight crept on as I allowed myself little nibbles of sugar here and there. Very insidious. For four days, I've been recording my food on fitday.com, one of the best websites for keeping myself honest and I've been coming in at between 1000 and 1100 calories, 70-80 grams of protein, and about 10% saturated fat. Progress. Interesting how eating badly was really affecting my worldview negatively. Sugar is evil. I'm feeling more like myself now and clothes are looser already. Went out and bought some new stuff I can use in CPE this summer at Good Sam. I'm getting really excited about the impending Baptism of Mr. Max. It sounds like the service will be amazing. The kids are playing the chimes and Hannah Davey will play the viola with them. They're doing sheep safely grazing on Easter Morning.

Enjoying My Break

Even though I'm taking care of tedious things like taxes and car maintenance and haircuts, I am enjoying this break. 73 degrees yesterday didn't hurt. Have seen three movies in the last week: Breach (incredible acting job by Chris Cooper, usual); Amazing Grace (good treatment of history that was not intrinsically exciting, violent, or sexy); and Zodiac (3 hours long! Could have been edited better, but, nevertheless, really good acting and fascinating story even though you know the crime never gets solved). I lived north of San Francisco in Vacaville from 70-72 and I don't remember being the least bit concerned about the Zodiac killer -- and the early murders happened in Vallejo, just on the other side of the foothills. Go figure.

Talked to Suzi Holding about Epiphany. She wants me to write up a list of "learning goals" and then talk to her about Epiphany or wherever. She's right, of course. I need to be a bit more deliberate about this.

I Had an Epiphany

This weekend is so messed up because of the anti-racism course schedule, which made Friday seem like Saturday, and the very early time change, and the beautiful weather (which, of course, isn't messing anything up). Anyway, on a whim and a prayer, I decided to head off to Church of the Epipany near the United Center this morning. It took all of 20 minutes -- what a difference a Sunday makes. I have never felt so welcomed at a church. I got there quite early and was asked to do the Prayers of the People. It's much more relaxed in its approch to liturgy than St. B's, but in a nice, friendly sort of way. I also helped the Warden prepare the bread for the service. Terrific mix in the congregation in a neighborhood undergoing gentrification: African American, young and old, white (some affluent, some not so), Hispanic, probably some gay and lesbian. They had open communion. The service was in an upstair room. They don't use the church for ecological reasons -- heating it would be expensive. There was an incredible amount of construction/renovation going on. I'd like to talk with Meigan, the pastor, about that. She wants to get together with me to talk about the service and the way they do church. I want to talk to Suzy Holding about whether or not it would be possible to make Epiphany the place I do my parish work next year. It's getting me very exited just thining about the possibility.

Winter Quarter 2007

I can not believe how long it's been since I posted to this blog. A whole quarter went by with nothing from me -- and it wasn't that bad a quarter. Except, of course, for reading week when I got the respitory flu and thought death was a good idea. That's what I get for not being innoculated for the first time in 20 years. Health service was good, though. I loved Dr. Connolly. She brought me in to look at my x-ray to deliver the bad news that my heart didn't look that good. I told her it was no surprise to me. Doctors were watching me and it once a year. When I came back for my follow-up visit, she was visibly relieved to see that I was doing better. She told me that she had thought I was having a stroke when she first saw me. I was in such a fog that day. Fever and couldn't stay awake. I do remember having me do the tests they always give people they think may be having a stroke. Well, this week I'm finally getting better. I have more energy but I'm still coughing. Altogether better though.

My work is done for the quarter. Not sure what will happen. I find I'm caring less about grades. That would really be a good thing. It was a great quarter. Gospel Mission got off to a rocky start but quickly got better and better and we began to talk about race, gender, sexual orientation, class, etc. It was an excellent class and continues to make me question my prejudices, long-held beliefs, and Weltanschauung.

Spirituality for Ministry was a godsend. Because there was a bit less work than most classes and because we will not receive a letter grade and because we were focused on our own spiritual lives, it was a nurturing, supportive class. Got a lot out of it. Liturgy II was terrific. Learned so much about Baptism, Eucharist, the Church Year, and Public Prayer. Really enjoyed the early Church readings. AKMA's Early Church History class enabled me to really understand the context of those readings. It was great. The course also truly informed the way I sang and read Eucharistic Prayer A for Use of the Voice. Studying the Eucharist really gave me an entirely new feeling about Prayer A. Elizabeth pointed out to me that my hands were in the orans position as I sang it. At first, I didn't notice. When I did I left them there because it felt so right. And this from someone who never used to be very comfortable about using her body to pray. I'm feeling more like a priest as time goes on. Little by little, I'm transforming.

Old Testament was an excellent course. Brook Lester really knows his stuff and is a terrific teacher. Delightful as a lecturer -- both entertaining and informative. For a little while the first quarter I thought I actually could study OT in depth. Don't think that any more. In fact, I'm having second thoughts about taking Hebrew. More Spanish might make more sense.

It was a wild ride, but I learned a lot and didn't go absolutely crazy. One more quarter and then CPE.

My Deadly Sin Graph -- Sloth?????

Greed:	Very Low
Gluttony:	Low
Wrath:	Very Low
Sloth:	High
Envy:	Low
Lust:	Very Low
Pride:	Very Low

The Seven Deadly Sins Quiz on 4degreez.com

So, did the Seven Deadly Sins Quiz and expected to see some pretty exciting stuff. Did not expect that my big problem would be sloth. Not even a little lust -- and I certainly expected gluttony in a big way. But, if I'm honest, I can indeed get very lazy and postpone work as long as possible. Ah well.

Leap Forward to Christmas

I can't believe the whole first quarter is over and done with and I haven't written a thing in this blog. A testament to just how busy, crazy, and emotional I've been. Where to start? With the end. I survived and I'm still still standing and ready to go at it again on Jan. 2, 2007. It truly has been a roller coaster emotionally. Everyone seems to be on it -- young and old (er).

What has surprised me? Well, first, because I've been in graduate school and taken comprehensive exams and written a dissertation, I foolishly thought the academic part of this experience would be the proverbial "no-brainer." NOT! It's so different from graduate school which unremittingly focuses in on a subject, narrows and specializes. This is different. It's preparing us for a profession, so it is broad and comprehensive. If we take a course in Old Testament, we need to become familiar with all the resources available to us to deal with the OT in the future. That is a lot of stuff. So, Frank Yamada gave us plenty to think about. And, in Early Church History, AKMA gave us more than enough to read. The net result of all this is that I am pleased that I have learned a great deal in the last 10 weeks, yet I am humbled by all I have yet to learn. Gospel Mission was especially daunting -- an enormous amount of reading, church visiting, and writing about it.

Which leads me to another surprise -- how integral spiritual formation was to the academic content of our classes. I knew there would be spiritual formation occurring, but I thought of it as very separate from the "purely intellectual" function of the classes. NOT! That has been both wonderful and grueling at the same time. This was especially true in Gospel Mission where I felt my world view, attitudes, beliefs, and prejudices being challenged every day. Not a bad thing at all.

September 21, 2006

Today's pace was slower and I'm more relaxed, but it was a good day. First, we officially registered. Then we had the technology presentation and took a tour of the library, which is actually the United Library and is on both the Seabury and Garrett campuses. Elizabeth Butler talked to us about the Development Office but made it an amazing discussion about attitudes toward money and time. She also asked us to donate to Seabury. My immediate reaction was a knee-jerk "say what?" but it's something to think of seriously. After lunch we had a marvelous retreat with Dan Prechtel that was very calming and helpful to all of us, a good way to end the week. Tomorrow is a fun day. We're going downtown to Billy Goat Tavern, an architectural tour of Chicago, and Millenium Park. Should be fun.

September 20, 2006

The day began with a discussion about academic fears with the faculty. More of the same, but I'm not so nervous anymore. We also met the entire staff including maintenance people. Everyone really knows everyone else. It does seem to be a very caring place. I put in a request that the tile in my bathroom get fixed and that I get a new curtain. They came right away and fixed the tile and made a small adjustment in the curtain. Unfortunately, not good enough. I'll have to ask about it again. After lunch we had an excellent discussion about diversity with Frank Yamada leading it. We then had high tea and a scavenger hunt designed to get us more familiar with the faculty and staff. I learned a lot of things. Frank is sort of afraid of grass -- the green on the ground kind. Liz Donohue worked in a circus. Lots of fun stuff. Our group finished first and got everything right, but I don't think we get anything. Unfortunately, all the professors had sweet treats in their offices and I ate and ate and ate. Feeling sick. But, before the carillon concert in the evening, Kuni came over and looked at my computer and got me online in about 5 minutes. He is awesome! The carillon was amazing. Really beautiful. I kept wanting to walk out to Sheridan Road to see if any of the Northwestern students had stopped to listen. I hope so.

September 19, 2006: Karen's Birthday

Wow. Talk about an up and down day. Bought my books: $525 with two still left to buy and about $250 already spent on books. The stack of books was downright scary. Yesterday, two students talked about reading just first and last paragraphs of a chapter and first and last sentences of paragraphs. That's ok for a self-help book I just read, but I don't know about these texts. I began to get worried. I'm so accustomed to close reading of texts. Don't know if I can break that habit. Angst set in, big time. Had my advising appointment with Frank Yamada. What a nice guy. Advising with him will be flexible. He encouraged me to be as out of the box as possible. That's dangerous.

Then, I went out and bought my books. After lunch the faculty came and talked about their courses and expectations. Kuni had his pile of books and all I could think about was that each of the teachers expected us to read every word. I started to have doubts. I'm older. Do I have the energy to sustain this? Will I really be able to do ANY marketing work. Anxiety. Anxiety.

Then came everyone's questions about "writing" and style manuals -- and they all talked about it to death. Then, thank God, we had a Taize service. Peace. I went out to Costco for some retail therapy to get paper and also bought a down comforter and some fresh mango. Then, I started going through the books, stamping my name in them, looking them over. They're not so bad at all. Some are downright entertaining. The Liturgy books are lovely and the OT books are amazing. I feel much better. The roller coaster has slowed down. I just need to enjoy the ride.

I couldn't resist adding the picture of Eli.

9-18-06 Night

What a day! Seemingly slow-paced, fun, and relaxed, but we were all so tense. It's going to be a tough week. Elizabeth went home early with her long commute. Younger ones were dead tired, so I'm feeling fine about my tiredness. Lots of frank talk about stress in this program. Got a bill for $7,990 today. That's stress inducing! I know all the names of the juniors (first years). Made myself memorize them. Went to 3 services: morning prayer, Eucharist, and Evensong. Didn't make the 4th -- Compline. Frustrated because my computer isn't connecting to the Internet and I think it's because it can't find my IP address. Also, my new printer has an extra part that isn't pictured in the directions and the whole thing just isn't working right. It should be easy, right? It's plug and play. I need to get to a computer to see how much I'm eating and if I'm getting enough protein. I'm sure I'm fine, but you never know. I'm exhausted.

First Day at Seabury

9-18-06

I had a somewhat restless night. A new place. A new bed. New sheets. A fan blowing on me. My annoying CPAP. Drinking caffeinated tea until 11 pm. A new beginning. I'm a very little bit nervous. But only because I was looking for it and talked myself into feeling SOMETHING! My apartment is great. It's a cool fall morning. I guess we'll be somewhat pampered this week. Looking forward to it. Nothing profound to say.

Back from Alexandria

Spent the last week with my sister Karen in Alexandria. We had a really nice time. Very relaxing. We just shopped, went to movies, ate out a lot, and visited with people who are friends of Karen's. Saw Akeelah and the Bee (excellent, surprisingly fresh, good acting) and Friends with Money (much better than I expected; Jennifer Anniston very similar to her role in The Good Girl; surprising ending; great acting by Frances McDormand, Joan Cusack, and Catherine Keener). Went to visit Virginia Theological Institute, just a drive around. Really beautiful. Clearly a lot of money there. The Episcopal high school next door was really posh.

Flowers were really spectacular in Virginia: azaleas and rhododendrens everywhere, really lush. Took part in the ralley against genocide in Darfur on Sunday afternoon. I wish I had been with someone I knew. The people around me were nice, but it's just not the same. The program began about 2:30 pm. There was some good music. The sound system was excellent as was the video system. Lots of speakers. Religious leaders at first. Many Jews in the crowd and many spoke. Holocaust legacy. Incredible urgency on their part. Not much progress in the Sudan today. Something has to happen soon. This is beyond belief crazy. When Barak Obama spoke, the crowd went wild. It was interesting to see. Nancy Pelosi, Al Sharpton, and Dick Gregory all spoke. I decided to leave and forgo Mr. Clooney, but he came on just as I was going to leave. He looked great. Thin and gorgeous. His Dad looked good too and gave the best speech of the day: emotional and very effective. Enough for today. More soon.

Prospective Student Days at Seabury

Came back yesterday from two days at Seabury. When I drove up to Evanston on Sunday afternoon, I had a strong sense of "What am I doing? Am I nuts? This is the wrong thing to be pursuing." Then, a student, Nancy, drove me to the hotel and told me I should expect to have those thoughts every few weeks while in seminary. From that point on, the visit just served to confirm that I was making the right decision. Everything felt so appropriate and I was so comfortable.

The food wasn't bad and I ate too much on Sunday night and Monday. Actually, my calories were just 200 over what I should eat, but that's not too bad. I was so impressed by worship at Seabury. They have at least three worship services every day, Morning Prayer, Eucharist, and something in the evening (Evening Prayer or Compline). We even had an extra Taize service on Monday. The students were incredibly welcoming and open, even the very young ones. That was a nice surprise. I interviewed a lot of them, especially curious to find out what surprised them most in their first year of seminary (the amount of work, that they mourned the career they left behind). Students are very respected and integral to the governance of the school, sitting on faculty committees for hiring and the like. Visiting the dorms and apartments was great. An older student had a dorm room with a private bath that was really charming, but the other dorm rooms were a bit young for me --and too communal. The outside of the apartments is strictly 60s tacky, but the insides are pretty nice. Cinder block, but people do a lot of nice decorating. Some of it was pretty amazing. Don't know that I'd like to be on the third floor. That would be a problem. It sure is nice being so close to Lake Michigan. That area is really beautiful and the Northwestern campus is really lovely.

My interviews were good. Paula Baxter was my faculty interviewer. It was really a pleasant hour. She asked a few probing questions: "Some older students regress when they come to seminary -- become teacher pleasers and lose their intellectual curiousity and the willingness to challenge. Do you think that would happen to you?" And, "Talk about how the tragedies in your life have affected you and changed you." A question I had in my discernment weekend. Her office was so charming. Reminded me of my old college office. The Dean/President interview went well. He also has a Ph.D. in English. My last interview was with a student who was probably in her late 30s or just 40. Very pleasant.

Akma Adams lectured on New Testament. He's funny and bright. Good choice for a demonstration. I liked his approach: don't trust anyone who says, "What that word really means is . . ." (My house has big black carpenter ants, just like the last two years at this time. Such a pain. Got traps.) Yamada and Wondra talked about their classes. They emphasized formation and its importance at Seabury. I really liked that discussion. I also saw Ruth Meyers' lecture on Liturgy Practicum. This week it was on the wedding ceremony. Really fascinating. Realized I knew more about it than I might have thought. These were the graduating seniors, so it was fun to see them just about to go out and be priests.

Funny, I just thought about how, when I attended Don Frye's ordination in December, he said, "In four years, we'll be here to celebrate your ordination," I felt sad and wistful then and thought it wasn't at all likely. Now, it seems a lot more likely. Couldn't be better.

It's So Odd Not to Be Looking For A Job

Well, I just finished a project for a new client, Brian Fletcher. It was easy and fast and he's really a nice guy. Then, Jackie had me bid on doing (just) groups with her on a project in Philadelphia and some other city. And Brian told me about another project, which I don't think will develop. But, this is all good. I should be developing other leads for work -- and I will, but I just don't feel the urgency. Now that seminary is in the offing, all that anxiety about finding a job and finding one I won't hate has disappeared. Everything is on hiatus as far as seminary is concerned, but Matt Gunter did get his reference in and I will go to the Prospective Student Weekend in early April. I need to concentrate on getting a car now before my tires all blow and the engine pops. Time to get busy. Saw Dad today and the Hospice nurse happened to be there. Dad has lost 14 pounds since he came there and 7 pounds in just the last month. That is disturbing and that will make them sign him up for another 3 months of Hospice. We played cards today and he shaved. He has his glasses now, too. I have to remember to pray and not just feel hopeless about this situation.

A Visit to St. Mark's, Geneva

So what is it that no one seems to want to make the sign of the cross anymore? At St. Mark's, like Resurrection, people didn't sign themselves, not even at the Gospel. The priest did, but I was by myself signing away.

I went to the 1868 church at first. Didn't realize there was another one. There was a 5 or 6 piece orchestra breaking up. It turned out it was the end of a special service with contemporary music. A very nice man told me I needed to go to the other church for the 10:30 service and took me outside and pointed me in the right direction. As I walked in, a woman asked me if I was there for the first time. I said I was and we sat together. It turned out she was there for the first time also. At no time did anyone approach either her or me to welcome us. The service had music, but the choir wasn't as good as St. B's. It was a very straightforward Rite II service. The sermon was on the lectionary. The priest mentioned an article that had appeared in USA Today. It sounded like it was not showing the Episcopal Church in the best light. I have to check out that article. The acolytes sat on the side and weren't really part of the altar party. It was a nice service. Afterwards, the woman sitting with me and I talked about the Episcopal Church. She also grew up Roman Catholic. I assured her she could find a home in the Episcopal church and find a good support network if she decided to be part of the community. We exchanged emails. I'll put her on my Discernment Notification list.

Got a note from Liz Donohue at Seabury who told me Matt is the only person who hasn't sent in his recommendation. I will work on that tomorrow.

In the meantime, I've got to get on the car thing. Time to buy one.

A Visit to Resurrection

At my discernment weekend, my committee suggested that I visit about 10 churches other than St. Barnabas before starting seminary. As Steve Marnz said, "You know, don't you, that St. Barnabas is a very special place." They felt I needed to see how the rest of the Anglican Communion did things. So, today I went to Resurrection in West Chicago.

I got there just a few seconds after 10am. The altar party was at the back, so I waited for them to process. Fr. George and I exchanged glances. I'm sure he registered that I was new.

It's not the most beautiful church, but it does the job. At first it wasn't very crowded. I sat near the back in their very comfortable seating. The ceiling is high and the windows are clear-paned. There was a large projection screen on the right with the words of the opening hymn projected. A "choir" stood below -- not robed, standing among the musicians with microphones. They were very energetic and spontaneous. Lots of clapping, swaying, and hands in the air. I found their enthusiasm infectious, although I never got my hands in the air. Before the Gospel, we did a lot of singing. It was quite a buildup.

I noticed several things. Almost no one except the priest made the sign of the cross. I was the only one who crossed him or herself on head, lips, and heart at the Gospel. There was a little kneeling -- on the floor-- but most stood. They did have bells at the consecration though.

I saw Barbara Edgar and we waved at each other. She immediately came to my pew for a hug. She pointed out that Cynthia Bormann with short hair was playing the bongos, but I didn't get to talk with her. Doug Baddorf was there, spoke out as he always does, and it was good to talk with him. Barb introduced me to Fr. George after church. I told him why I was there. She also introduced me to Rebecca, a seminarian who is studying at Northern Baptist in that Anglican Studies program there. She was very nice and enthusiastic about her program, although she said the whole thing is in limbo right now. I wondered to myself what would happen if she's in the "possible break away" group and they decide they don't want women as priests as well as gays and lesbians. It was great to see Barbara Edgar, however, and we'll try to get together soon for breakfast or lunch on a Tuesday.

But more about the service today. I was very moved by it. I don't really like praise music in general, but I like it when the music is something you want to clap and sway to. The sermon was interesting. Fr. George talked about authority in the church. He recounted the history, that bishops are not really hierarchical in scripture, that priests seem to be of the same "rank." He noted that the structure of the Roman Catholic church follows that of the Roman empire and that the Pope is "Caesar." He then showed that the passage in the Bible often used to show we owe obedience to bishops is the only place where "obedience" is the translation for a word used in other places in the Bible that is more often translated "persuasion." His point was that we do not owe obedience to Bishops or anyone else when they are leading us down the wrong path. It certainly sounded like he was preparing the congregation for the coming debate this summer.

At the Prayers of the People, the congregation gathered around the cross and prayed spontaneously. They do it easily and prayed without self-consciousness. The celebration of the Eucharist was de riguer, carefully spoken, and, again, moving. The communion bread was warm, like it had just been baked. They offered grape juice for those who did not want an alcoholic beverage. The children came in just before communion and, in the recessional, several grabbed flags and waved them as we again sang joyously.

It was a good experience and seems like a healthy congregation. I pray they find themselves in agreement with ECUSA come this summer.

Discernment Weekend Recap

My, it's been a long time since I wrote anything. I have to be more religious about this. First, there's the description of the whole discernment weekend. What a ride that was! I arrived at almost the last minute on Friday night, about 7:10. I found out later I could have arrived earlier -- wish I had. I wouldn't have been so frazzled. The Cenacle in Chicago is in the middle of Lincoln Park. An incredible location. It's run now by Loyola as a retreat/meeting house for both religious and secular functions. It's quite nice. The room was retreat house comfortable with a communal bathroom down the hall. It was fine. The only thing I should have brought was a hair dryer.

I got down to the first meeting as the penultimate participant. Everyone was in a huge circle. I was definitely in the older end -- even tho aspirants hadn't been identified as yet. We introduced ourselves by talking about what "we'd left behind." I realized I hadn't left anything behind, so I talked about leaving the 9pm episode of Battlestar Galactica at home -- the only show I stay home to watch. I was the oldest aspirant and our birthdays were actually published on a list. Oh, horror!

We were divided into groups and Elizabeth Molitors and I were in Group C. Rev. Mimi from St. Andrews was the facilitator of my "listeners," but she didn't remember me from being at her table at Cursillo. We did a get-to-know-you exercise and wrote questions in our small group for everyone to answer. We then each picked two questions. I got, "Are you a cat or a dog person?" I talked about Keiko and Sophia and how I had to get rid of them because of "my grandson's allergy." I decided to be right up front about grandchildren and age. Not hide anything in hope people would think me younger than I am. The second question asked me about my favorite high school subject. I said "French," and told the story of our class trip to the Guepratte, the French destroyer at Navy Pier. Soeur Jeanne Louise took about 16 of us in our school uniforms to improve our French with the pompomed French sailors, all about 2 years older than us. (What was she thinking!) We got there as they were finishing lunch: tomatoes, onions, bread, cheese, and wine. We communicated just fine and then paired off to show our sailors the city after Sister had departed. I walked around with Jean-Paul Blanche and then said goodbye to him in the Randolph St. IC station with lots of kisses and lots of disapproving stares. It was 1963.

We went to bed after a cocktail hour. The next morning we had breakfast and morning prayer, then a role play where an assistant rector had to deal with an irate vestry upset about their alcoholic rector and his hushed up divorce. I played an irate vestry member. In a later role play with our small group, I was the rector of a church with a rich parishioner who was responsible for 40% of the operating budget. She wanted to build and fund a new building, but others were against it. It was a fascinating exercise as I found myself trying to find a common ground and doing my best to listen to the issues of both sides very sympathetically.

Then, the visits with "listeners" started. I had a bye the first hour. In the second I met with the lay listener, Galen Berqwardt. I later learned he was a U of C Biz School professor. I was a bit intimidated by him, but soon relaxed and got him laughing. His questions were good. All my listeners' questions were good. They'd obviously done their homework and read my materials carefully. They were quite interested in what I saw myself doing for the church and where I saw my ministry going. The night before, one of the leaders had emphasized the need for tentmaker ministries. I could speak to that issue easily as I've always seen myself as everything other than a parish priest.

My second listener was Rosemary Gooden, who is an adjunct professor at Seabury. We ended up talking about 20 minutes past the time I was supposed to switch to my third interview. I just enjoyed her so much. She was interested in my dissertation and said she looked forward to having me in class. We talked about race issues as well. A very good discussion.

Fr. Steve Marnz was my psychological listeners -- a shortened interview since I had talked so long with Rosemary. Elizabeth told me he was a Jungian, which was just fine with me. He asked me to talk about a time in my life when I failed at something, to talk about how I reacted to it, what I did to deal with it, and how it changed the way I did things going forward. Of course, I talked about my divorce. It was another good discussion.

My last discussion, with Fr. Jay Risk, was the toughest. He didn't display emotion or let his feelings be known. He was the first person to mention my age and ask me what had taken so long. I told him I thought everything was happening at the right time, that it couldn't really have happened sooner (especially with my medical issues being cleared up). He said he didn't buy that, but I was never able to convince him. I also told him that, perhaps it wasn't the right thing to feel, but that I was really enjoying the day. It was downright fun. I also told him that all along in my discernment process, I had asked that if my age made a difference, I wanted to know. I didn't want to waste my time or anyone else's. Everyone said it wasn't a problem. I told Jay that if it suddenly was a problem, I was going to be really annoyed. I didn't mean it as any kind of threat, but I wanted to make it clear how I felt about it.

After the last interview, we went to dinner. Afterwards, we had one final 15 minute interview with all our listeners and Mimi. I was last. I came to the floor where the interview was scheduled and found everyone on my team except one person, who was in with the listeners. Her interview was taking a very long time. She seemed a bit upset when she finally came out. They then ran through the rest of the interviews quickly. They asked me where I got my glasses and my spider pin and then asked me my three strengths and three weaknesses. I told the story of the identification of my gifts in EfM and listed what others saw in me: Pastoral, Preaching, and Faith gifts. I was actually wrong about Preaching. I think it was Teaching they actually identified, but I was loupy by that time. We were all physically wasted as the adrenalin stopped pumping and we were almost done for the night. I can't remember what I said for weaknesses, but I remember something about paying attention to the details and judging people too easily.

It was almost impossible to go to sleep that night. I got up and found Elizabeth's door open. We talked for about a half hour about our mutual jitters and then went to bed.

In the morning, we had Mass and breakfast and then all 14 of the aspirants sat together in a circle with our chaplain, Fr. Brian. It was an odd situation at best. We had all talked about how the whole weekend had been like a reality show. Now, who was going to be voted off the island? Brian said he assumed all of us had a pretty good idea where we stood with our listeners. We looked at him in amazement. All of us were clueless.

They started to call us out one by one. I realized I would be last in our group to go -- the first person in our group was out for 45 minutes -- she still had not returned when several of the others had come back with good news. Only one person came back with middling news -- he'd been asked to wait a couple of years and try again. Finally, I was called. I tried to read their faces, but was unsuccessful. Galen started to speak: "Well, I've been asked to be the spokesperson for the group, to collect our thoughts and give them to you." My heart sank. This didn't sound good. Then he said, "First, before I tell you our decision, I want you to know that we all really enjoyed talking with you. It was really delightful." Again, my heart hit the floor. I'd given too many performance reviews sounding just like this. Then he said, "We are recommending that you go forward on the path you are pursuing." "OK," I thought, "What the . . .?" I said, "Does that mean that you are oking me going to seminary in the fall and studying to be a priest?" The answer was "Yes" and I whooped out loud. I don't remember what I said then, but for some reason they all agreed they should put me forward as a bishop instead of a priest. We had a good laugh.

When I came back to the room, I whooped again and we all celebrated. I went home and had a congratulatory committee that came over to celebrate with me: Fr. Matt, his wife Leslie, Peg, Georgia, Lisa, Priscilla, and, most lovely of all, Junko, Max, Eli, Pete, and Tony. The latter two were also there for the SuperBowl.

A Certain Lack of Focus

Here I am, two days after learning I'm going to seminary. I'm getting stuff done, but there is a "certain lack of focus" which is making this whole thing still a little unreal. There's a lot up in the air. The biggest question is whether or not I will live at Northwestern and how I will finance that. Will I sell my house to have all that extra cash? Do I put my things in storage or sell them too -- or give them away? I know I have time to make these decisions and I'm getting the application to Seabury tomorrow and signing up for the Campus visit in early April. I'll be seeing Matt, my parish priest, soon and we'll talk all this over. That will certainly bring more questions into focus. I'll also talk with my tax accountant in a few weeks. That will be great information to add to this discussion.

This is a lot like deciding to go to DeKalb in 1975 to get our graduate degrees. Friends thought we were gutsy then! Wow, this is absolutely insane gutsy. Virginia Theological Seminary and University of Chicago have both been suggested to me as alternatives to Seabury, but I don't think so. Virginia would mean moving my Dad along with me, living near Karen (which would be nice), and being away from Pete and family, a definitely difficult choice. Chicago is a great school academically. It would be challenging and intellectually stimulating, but, do I think that at this point in my life I need a warmer atmosphere where attention is paid to formation and where I can be integral to the life of the seminary. Seabury makes a lot more sense -- even tho it is really expensive. $60K to $100K they say. But, I'm not going to worry about this. I'm going to enjoy this process. Every day of it.

Discernment Weekend Results

Well, I'm officially on my way to being a postulant and a seminarian this fall. It was wild, intense discernment weekend I was on. I'm really exhuasted today. I think I'm suffering from adrenalin depletion. I'm still flying pretty high. Time to sort it all out. First, I'm surprised how much I enjoyed the weekend. I thought it would be dreadful from all the reports I'd received about past weekends. People were often "destroyed by what the listeners said to them." It sounded as if experiences could be horribly humiliating.

I drove to the Cenacle in Lincoln Park Friday night and managed to get lost a little, taking the wrong turn away from Fullerton, but my usual good sense of direction guided me home. The Cenacle was nice. Rooms were clean and quiet. The bed, of course, was horrible, but that's de riguer.

I was one of the last people to make it to the session. Although many of the staff were my age, all the aspirants were younger by at least 5 years and, in other cases, many more years. But, I was cool. Lots of gay and lesbian people. More than I expected. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Seriously, a lot of people, when asked what they had left behind, mentioned partners. It was a great group.