A New Beginning

Read Me First Posts from an older blog

I have an older blog I began in 2004 which I can't access as a writer anymore. I'm going to bring that information into this blog now:

Donnsywonnsywizzleberry's Blog Wednesday, June 02, 2004

Feeling sick and sick and tired.

Nasty post nasal drip causing me to cough so much it makes me throw up. Feeling absolutely crummy. Hard to get excited about work, hard to get excited about anything. Praying a lot for my sister, though. She's a Type 1 diabetic -- since she was 18 months old and she's 46 now. She's got edema and is in lots of pain. They've taken her off Lipitor -- the muscle destroyer. Hoping all will be well soon. She's got a job possibly - and that's good. She hasn't worked in a year. I'm going to bed and rest up -- it's 7pm. Haven't done this in a long time.

Thursday, June 03, 2004

Still sick.

I'll go to the doctor tomorrow if this doesn't get much better. But, more than that, my friend Lucille called me with the news that my good friend Julia died today. She battled cancer throughout her body for about 18 months. It started with a melanoma in her big toe. She was told it was a wart by a dermatologist. Her sister in England became ill. She took care of her, focused on her and ignored the "wart" for 6 months. When she saw another doctor, he identified it as a melanoma. Well, all is over now. The cancer was everywhere but she maintained her good humor and was reading "Rumpole of the Bailey" just this week. I don't want to cry. It will make my cold that much more miserable. I'll postpone the crying. Let me remember her through a Herrick poem I introduced to her: "Upon Julia's Clothes." It surprised me so much that she was not familiar with the poem. I first read it in high school, so I thought an English girl would certainly have read it. It reminds me of her in a special way:

UPON JULIA'S CLOTHES

by Robert Herrick

WHENAS in silks my Julia goes,
Then, methinks, how sweetly flows
That liquefaction of her clothes.
Next, when I cast mine eyes and see
That brave vibration each way free
O how that glittering taketh me !

Saturday, June 05, 2004

Still sick and still thinking about Julia.

So, I have bronchitis and I have drugs and I'm on the mend but feeling like a truck hit me. Still trying not to cry so I won't make my self even more miserable, but Julia so deserves the tears. We'll have a memorial service. I'd like to speak, and I've thought about what I'd say. I've thought of Julia as an Evangelist, how she played so great a role in my spiritual development. She was there to greet me the first day I walked into St. B's., my parish church. Within a few minutes she had introduced me to several others and told me about joining one of the small groups. She also shared her grief over the recent death of her granddaughter. This all should have so turned me off, but it didn't. Her warmth, her genuine compassion, her great English accent. It all felt right and warm and the right place to be. And then there is the "Upon Julia's Clothes" poem I introduced her to. Her support of me in my annis horribilis in '99 was unfailing. I have her voice on tape. I'll never erase it. This passage from Romans 8 always gives me solace at times like this:

What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all--how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who is he that condemns? Christ Jesus, who died – more than that, who was raised to life – is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written: "For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered."No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Tuesday, June 08, 2004

Sitting in Limbo.

I have a new boss and a reorganization is coming -- again. Am I tense? Yes. I try to relax and I'm able to let go most of the time, but I'm grinding my teeth at night and I need to get a new night guard -- and see the dentist. I need to take action. To do something for myself that moves me forward. I'm just sitting here now waiting for the blow to fall. Dad escaped from the Alzheimer place on Saturday. Great. Now I have that to worry about.

Wednesday, December 15, 2004

Back after much time and many changes

Interesting reading the last blog. Getting worried because of a new boss. Accurate gut feelings. Laid off on July 14--Bastille day! Got out of prison free. Since then. Lots of depression and paralysis but a lot of good relaxation too. Trip with Karen and Max to DisneyWorld and the hurricane. A great 9 days. Gallbladder surgery in October and Eli born on September 26. What a joy he's been. What a happy, easy-to-care-for baby. Still not much progress looking for a job, but I was contacted by Ace today. Bigger stuff happening. Last week, Bonnie suggested I think about gastric bypass surgery. I had many objections. My sister Karen also suggested it last week and I had lots of objections. Easy way out. Wouldn't work for me. Can't eat much of anything afterwords. Bonnie gave me places to research. Some testimonials caught my attention. I investigated the programs at Alexian Brothers and at the Wish Center. I was impressed with the latter and went to a 2 hour intro tonight. Met a really nice doctor. Felt very positive about it all. I feel filled with hope. I'll be called on Monday and then go to the first day appointment -- 4 hours -- on the 22nd. I have homework and plan to go in with my eyes open. But I'm psyched. This really seems possible. Hope is a bornin'.

Thursday, December 16, 2004

Not so manic today

I'm much more subdued today. I was heady last night with the stories of recovery and freedom I heard last night at The Wish Center. It is surgery after all. A long incision or lots of holes from a laproscopic procedure. So, I'm a little down. And my son, Pete, is looking for someone to babysit for my new grandson, Eli, next week and I'm really not available. I think I'll call him and see if he's made any progress in getting out of that conundrum.

Monday, January 03, 2005


It's 2005 and I've spent a lot of time away from my blog. Sorry, Blog. Much has happened. Went to my 6 hour appointment at the WISH center and saw shrink, exercise psychologist, nutritionist, nurse, doctor, finance person -- and got my new diet, exercise list, vitamin list, pills to take for H. pyelori, etc. I'm on my way. Saw Paul Menet, my regular doctor, on Thursday. Thought he'd really be opposed to the gastric bypass surgery, but he was more supportive than expected. He thought I'd have to wait a year for approval. As it happens, at that very moment, I was getting the news that the WISH center had gotten approval and I needed to schedule surgery. Told Tony, Pete, and Junko about the surgery yesterday and they were incredibly supportive and happy about it. Junko hugged me and cried. I love her so much. Tony seemed ecstatic. I'm high on all this. Today, I scheduled the surgery for March 17 and found out that my CT Scan on my heart done yesterday was "normal for me." Great news. I'm still flying.


May 21, 2005

Had open RNY on St. Paddy's Day (3/17/05) It's now May 21, 2005 and a lot has happened. I lost 15 pounds in the first 2 weeks after surgery and I was flying high. I then proceed to lose NOTHING for the next six weeks. One week I even gained 2 pounds. My frame of mind was not good. On my worst days I assumed I was the only person in the world for whom this surgery would not work. All I could say was, "Why have I done this to myself?" I was also retaining a lot of water. I started to take hydrochlorothyazide again and weighed myself after 3 days. I was down 10 pounds and 2 more pounds last Monday. (I plan to only weigh myself on Mondays going forward.) I learned two things from this experience: 1) I can be assured that weight loss will come if I'm patient; and 2) I won't do what I used to do when I hit a plateau -- eat forbidden food and binge. So far I've had no complications (although right now I'm taking supplemental potassium because I'm a bit low there.) I'm down from size 26 pants to 20. My tops are now 18 (from 24). I'm feeling good and looking forward to that energy everyone talks about later in the weight loss.

6/2/05

I'm losing weight more slowly than most people, but I'm resigned to that and it doesn't bother me that much anymore. My clothes do get looser and looser and that is exciting in itself. I am down 54 pounds as of today. The exciting thing is that my weight is now 249, so the bottom weight on my doctor's scalle is at 200 instead of 250! That is progress.

6/12/05

I'll weigh myself tomorrow -- just once a week, but my clothes have really gotten loose in the last week, so, even if the scale hasn't caught up, I have many good feelings about myself. The coolest thing that has happened recently is that my cholesterol is magnificent. The HDL is 57 and the LDL (the bad stuff) is 39. Yes, 39. Not 139 -- 39. This is great news.

6/13/05

Lost another four pounds.

7/7/05

I've been at 242 for about 10 days. Frustrating, but I handle plateaus a lot better than I did. WISH Center did a great job tonight at the support group presenting information on plateaus. Really excellent. I'm recommittng to exercise. I'll have five days of 35 minutes this week and will do my weights tomorrow. I'm still doing only 1 set a week. There's a lot of work involved in this process. I'm praying I can stay committed.

7/21/05

I'm finally down 5 more pounds to 237. And, it seems as if the swelling in my feet is greatly reduced. That's great, because it gets so difficult to walk when they are swollen. I am scheduled for surgery on September 13 for a knee replacement. I'm actually really looking forward to it. I'll get so much more exercise. I really think it will accellerate my weight loss. I am feeling great and am finally managing to get about 1000-1100 calories in every day. Protein and water are really good. It is frustrating, though, how I buy pants and they are big on me within a few days. I guess I just have to find a cheap source for pants. Getting to 209 is a big milestone for me. That's how far I got the last time I lost weight and I looked really good then and could shop in "normal size" stores. I'm off two blood pressure drugs (only Lopressor remains). I still take Crestor even though my total cholesterol is 103 and, of course, I'm taking synthroid. I have a pain drug for my arthritis, ultram, but I don't take it very often and I'm not sure it makes much of a difference. But, all is well. The White Sox are beating the Red Sox; hopefully that lead will last for another few innings.

7/30/05

My weight is at the same place, but, boy, am I getting compliments lately. I saw myself reflected in a window yesterday and, yes, that pear shape is disappearing. The hips and thighs are more in line with my upper body. I have bones and I have a real waist. It's wonderful. Had a job interview yesterday and was invited back for second interviews. I need a job, so that's good. I think I would like this job. It's challenging, so that's my no. 2 requirement. The no. 1 requirement is that it be close to home -- and it's 20 minutes away, which is just fine. I have to have my new pants taken in. Inches seem to go much faster than pounds. And I'm starting a list of benefits of this surgery that I'll add to as time goes on:

1. The "shelf" is gone (my fat upper body and boobs). My tops always had food on them after a meal. I always spilled everything! No more!

2. Theatre seats are comfy.

3. Airline seats too.

4. Being able to move in department store aisles without knocking stuff off tables with my butt.

5. Spending a lot less on food.

6. Getting out of the car is easier.

7. My 7 year old grandson said, "You look thinner, Nonna." God bless him.

8. I have energy and people tell me the sparkle is back in my eye.

9. I am shopping in regular size stores and finding things that fit and things that are too big!

10. Napkins don't fall off my lap any more.

11. I have a lap and my grandchildren can sit on it.

12. My dentist was orgasmic over my gums when I last saw him. They weren't in really bad shape before, but he says they are really "beautiful and healthy" now.

8/11/05

Time really goes by fast. I'm down four pounds to 233 and a BMI of 40. Just one more pound and I'm 39 point something. That is a good accomplishment. I usually don't weigh myself on a Thursday, but I could feel a change in my body. My hip bone is downright scary. It protudes! That's a new one. And my waist is even more defined -- and I've been peeing gallons (always a sure sign of some weight loss). Anyway, I feel great and am increasingly patient with how slow my weight loss is. 70 pounds is nothing to sneeze about. Life is good.

8/24/05

I'm getting more serious about preparing for my knee surgery on the 13th. I'm seeing my cardiologist tomorrow and hope approval from him will be easy. My clothes continue to get looser even though I'm not losing weight that fast. My body is definitely changing and I'm doing plenty of exercising. I've noticed lately that I don't get that "full" feeling before I finish my half cup. So, I'm trying to be super careful about how much I eat at a meal. It would be so easy to eat too much. I'm also suprised how things I used to love don't taste that great anymore, especially white stuff: pasta, bread, sugar, etc.

9/12/05

Here I am a day before my knee replacement surgery and I dropped another 4 pounds: 226 now! Feeling good and feisty. I hope my surgery doesn't slow my weight loss too much.

9/27/05

I've had my knee surgery and I'm happy to be focusing on gaining movement in my knee rather than losing weight. Actually, I'm down another 5 pounds since surgery -- 82 in total -- and feeling really good about it. Surgery went well. My doctor, David Chang, did my other knee and he is an artist. Unfortunately, the anaesthesiologist stuck me 6 times for my spinal and then they discovered I was feeling things as they began the surgery. Luckily, I don't remember. Some of the nurses in the hospital were great; others left a lot to be desired. I was just another piece of meat, but it was great to have good upper body strength after exercising for the past 6 months. It all paid off. So, I'm trudging forward and feeling good about the future.

10/15/05

I have come up with a wish list of what I want to be able to do, experience, etc. as my body melts away. So, here goes:

1. I want to buy clothes in a normal size store (That's happening.)

2. I want to run -- not on a daily basis but just be able to do it -- a sprint, maybe. The last time I did that was in 1982 when I weighed 155 pounds.

3. I want to get on the floor and play with my grandchildren. (Accomplished, although I don't get up off the floor with incredible ease.)

4. I want to travel back to Italy and other places, walk around without extreme exhaustion, and enjoy myself.

5. I want to go to the older singles group at Christ Church in Oakbrook and meet some nice people.

6. I want a new direction in my life, a new career. (And I'm in the discernment process for the Episcopal priesthood. We'll see.)

7. I want to know the joy of not being constantly conscious of my body and how people might be perceiving it and me. (Already occuring even though I have a lot more to lose.)

8. I want to ride a bike. (Accomplished! Spring 2006.)

9. I want to dance.

10. I want to clean up my garage and basement. (Done -- Summer 2006).

11. I want to be off as many drugs as possible (currently down from 8 to 3)

12. I want to fit in chairs and seats everywhere. (Accomplished)

13. I want to feel the energy everyone talks about. (It's starting.)

14. I want to wear sexy clothes and shoes. (I am.)

15. I want to be able to take a shower and reach everywhere. (Accomplished).

16. I want to walk around DisneyWorld with my grandsons -- (not on a scooter like last time.)

11/2/05

Yesterday was the fifth anniversary of my mother's death and I missed her terribly. I'd forgotten about the anniversary for a bit, but I should have realized it was coming because I ate 6 mini-candy bars on Monday. I was so pissed at myself. I'm back on track and trying to be patient since my weight loss has slowed down. Only 2 pounds in the last 3 weeks. Patience. Patience. I feel good, tho, and clothes are fitting even better. Just a doldrum period, I guess. Well, I'm down 88 pounds. That is an improvement.

11/16/05

I'm a bit stalled. Lost another pound this week, so I'm down 89 pounds, but I've hardly moved in the last month. Clothes feel great though. Time to report on another aspect of my life. For the last three years, I have been hearing a call to the Episcopal Priesthood -- not that I wanted to. I fought it tooth and nail, but the indications kept popping up. A year ago, I realized I couldn't go forward unless there were big changes in health and well-being. Weightloss surgery seemed to be the best solution. Two weeks before surgery, I had my first discernment committee meeting. I met with 5 people monthly through August. It was a wonderful experience. They quizzed me and asked about my life and motivation. I found myself getting a clearer vision of where I was going and I felt very committed to moving to the next step. Luckily, the committee agreed and I'm in the next stage -- filling out all the paperwork, taking the psychological tests and medical tests and exam. I still need to meet with the psychiatrist and the Bishop of Chicago. If that goes well, I'll go to a discernment weekend in February where I'll continue to be questioned by others and myself. If that goes well, I should be in seminary in the fall. Anything can happen, but it's an adventure for sure.

12/10/05

I'm down another 5 pounds to a total loss of 94. I know the next 6 will be hell, but I'm patient. There's snow on the ground and, for the first time in years, I'm not deathly afraid of every step I take. Also, I'm enjoying preparing for Christmas. I'm no longer on anti-depressants and I'm feeling great in spite of the fact that I'm dealing with my dad's angry dementia and his being in a nursing home and with my son and daughter-in-law going through young married life problems. All in all, I'm doing okay. I just have to meet the Bishop and then go to the discernment weekend.

January 23, 2006

Time to start a new blog. For some reason I can't get access to the blog I started in 2004. Not to worry. No time like the present. Here is the deal. I'm 58, grandmother of two boys and moving at full speed to a new career, a new calling. I'm an aspirant for the Episcopal priesthood. It's been 3 and a half years getting here and the first weekend in February will give me my thumbs up or thumbs down call from a group of "listeners" who will be focused on 14 of us aspirants in the Chicago diocese. I'll be filling in some of the backstory, but the big question is, "What is a woman who spent twenty-five years as a confirmed atheist thinking of?" I confess I'm as surprised as anyone.

I'm suddenly nervous about the February 3-5, 2006 weekend. I wasn't worried last week because I just thought I'd be myself, be friendly, and do plenty of my own listening, and then get a letter with the decision a few weeks after the fateful weekend. Well, no such luck. We actually get the big decision Sunday morning, February 5. That sobered me up. I'm going to take their advice and have a few friends to meet with when I get home. Either to cry with or celebrate with.

This has all been very much like a reality show. I've jumped through several "hoops" to get to this point. First, I talked with my priest, Matt Gunter, for about 6 months. That began in 2002. Then, Matt needed to set up a Discernment Committee. It took a while. That finally formed in March of 2005. I met with them for 6 months and they gave their go ahead in September 2005. Since that time, my interest in and experience of the call have gotten stronger and stronger. I've also received lots of support from many of the people who know me well and some who know me not so well. I've received encouragement from places I didn't expect it. I feel confirmed in the direction I'm going.

I had my medical exam and took the psychological tests that were necessary. I spoke to the psychologist and managed to get through all these hurdles. There have also been background checks and visits with Bishop Persell and the Canon to the Ordinary, Rev. Hayashi. I'll try to recapture my thoughts on all these experiences, but, for now, I'll hold off.