Leap Forward to Christmas

I can't believe the whole first quarter is over and done with and I haven't written a thing in this blog. A testament to just how busy, crazy, and emotional I've been. Where to start? With the end. I survived and I'm still still standing and ready to go at it again on Jan. 2, 2007. It truly has been a roller coaster emotionally. Everyone seems to be on it -- young and old (er).

What has surprised me? Well, first, because I've been in graduate school and taken comprehensive exams and written a dissertation, I foolishly thought the academic part of this experience would be the proverbial "no-brainer." NOT! It's so different from graduate school which unremittingly focuses in on a subject, narrows and specializes. This is different. It's preparing us for a profession, so it is broad and comprehensive. If we take a course in Old Testament, we need to become familiar with all the resources available to us to deal with the OT in the future. That is a lot of stuff. So, Frank Yamada gave us plenty to think about. And, in Early Church History, AKMA gave us more than enough to read. The net result of all this is that I am pleased that I have learned a great deal in the last 10 weeks, yet I am humbled by all I have yet to learn. Gospel Mission was especially daunting -- an enormous amount of reading, church visiting, and writing about it.

Which leads me to another surprise -- how integral spiritual formation was to the academic content of our classes. I knew there would be spiritual formation occurring, but I thought of it as very separate from the "purely intellectual" function of the classes. NOT! That has been both wonderful and grueling at the same time. This was especially true in Gospel Mission where I felt my world view, attitudes, beliefs, and prejudices being challenged every day. Not a bad thing at all.

September 21, 2006

Today's pace was slower and I'm more relaxed, but it was a good day. First, we officially registered. Then we had the technology presentation and took a tour of the library, which is actually the United Library and is on both the Seabury and Garrett campuses. Elizabeth Butler talked to us about the Development Office but made it an amazing discussion about attitudes toward money and time. She also asked us to donate to Seabury. My immediate reaction was a knee-jerk "say what?" but it's something to think of seriously. After lunch we had a marvelous retreat with Dan Prechtel that was very calming and helpful to all of us, a good way to end the week. Tomorrow is a fun day. We're going downtown to Billy Goat Tavern, an architectural tour of Chicago, and Millenium Park. Should be fun.

September 20, 2006

The day began with a discussion about academic fears with the faculty. More of the same, but I'm not so nervous anymore. We also met the entire staff including maintenance people. Everyone really knows everyone else. It does seem to be a very caring place. I put in a request that the tile in my bathroom get fixed and that I get a new curtain. They came right away and fixed the tile and made a small adjustment in the curtain. Unfortunately, not good enough. I'll have to ask about it again. After lunch we had an excellent discussion about diversity with Frank Yamada leading it. We then had high tea and a scavenger hunt designed to get us more familiar with the faculty and staff. I learned a lot of things. Frank is sort of afraid of grass -- the green on the ground kind. Liz Donohue worked in a circus. Lots of fun stuff. Our group finished first and got everything right, but I don't think we get anything. Unfortunately, all the professors had sweet treats in their offices and I ate and ate and ate. Feeling sick. But, before the carillon concert in the evening, Kuni came over and looked at my computer and got me online in about 5 minutes. He is awesome! The carillon was amazing. Really beautiful. I kept wanting to walk out to Sheridan Road to see if any of the Northwestern students had stopped to listen. I hope so.

September 19, 2006: Karen's Birthday

Wow. Talk about an up and down day. Bought my books: $525 with two still left to buy and about $250 already spent on books. The stack of books was downright scary. Yesterday, two students talked about reading just first and last paragraphs of a chapter and first and last sentences of paragraphs. That's ok for a self-help book I just read, but I don't know about these texts. I began to get worried. I'm so accustomed to close reading of texts. Don't know if I can break that habit. Angst set in, big time. Had my advising appointment with Frank Yamada. What a nice guy. Advising with him will be flexible. He encouraged me to be as out of the box as possible. That's dangerous.

Then, I went out and bought my books. After lunch the faculty came and talked about their courses and expectations. Kuni had his pile of books and all I could think about was that each of the teachers expected us to read every word. I started to have doubts. I'm older. Do I have the energy to sustain this? Will I really be able to do ANY marketing work. Anxiety. Anxiety.

Then came everyone's questions about "writing" and style manuals -- and they all talked about it to death. Then, thank God, we had a Taize service. Peace. I went out to Costco for some retail therapy to get paper and also bought a down comforter and some fresh mango. Then, I started going through the books, stamping my name in them, looking them over. They're not so bad at all. Some are downright entertaining. The Liturgy books are lovely and the OT books are amazing. I feel much better. The roller coaster has slowed down. I just need to enjoy the ride.

I couldn't resist adding the picture of Eli.

9-18-06 Night

What a day! Seemingly slow-paced, fun, and relaxed, but we were all so tense. It's going to be a tough week. Elizabeth went home early with her long commute. Younger ones were dead tired, so I'm feeling fine about my tiredness. Lots of frank talk about stress in this program. Got a bill for $7,990 today. That's stress inducing! I know all the names of the juniors (first years). Made myself memorize them. Went to 3 services: morning prayer, Eucharist, and Evensong. Didn't make the 4th -- Compline. Frustrated because my computer isn't connecting to the Internet and I think it's because it can't find my IP address. Also, my new printer has an extra part that isn't pictured in the directions and the whole thing just isn't working right. It should be easy, right? It's plug and play. I need to get to a computer to see how much I'm eating and if I'm getting enough protein. I'm sure I'm fine, but you never know. I'm exhausted.

First Day at Seabury

9-18-06

I had a somewhat restless night. A new place. A new bed. New sheets. A fan blowing on me. My annoying CPAP. Drinking caffeinated tea until 11 pm. A new beginning. I'm a very little bit nervous. But only because I was looking for it and talked myself into feeling SOMETHING! My apartment is great. It's a cool fall morning. I guess we'll be somewhat pampered this week. Looking forward to it. Nothing profound to say.

Back from Alexandria

Spent the last week with my sister Karen in Alexandria. We had a really nice time. Very relaxing. We just shopped, went to movies, ate out a lot, and visited with people who are friends of Karen's. Saw Akeelah and the Bee (excellent, surprisingly fresh, good acting) and Friends with Money (much better than I expected; Jennifer Anniston very similar to her role in The Good Girl; surprising ending; great acting by Frances McDormand, Joan Cusack, and Catherine Keener). Went to visit Virginia Theological Institute, just a drive around. Really beautiful. Clearly a lot of money there. The Episcopal high school next door was really posh.

Flowers were really spectacular in Virginia: azaleas and rhododendrens everywhere, really lush. Took part in the ralley against genocide in Darfur on Sunday afternoon. I wish I had been with someone I knew. The people around me were nice, but it's just not the same. The program began about 2:30 pm. There was some good music. The sound system was excellent as was the video system. Lots of speakers. Religious leaders at first. Many Jews in the crowd and many spoke. Holocaust legacy. Incredible urgency on their part. Not much progress in the Sudan today. Something has to happen soon. This is beyond belief crazy. When Barak Obama spoke, the crowd went wild. It was interesting to see. Nancy Pelosi, Al Sharpton, and Dick Gregory all spoke. I decided to leave and forgo Mr. Clooney, but he came on just as I was going to leave. He looked great. Thin and gorgeous. His Dad looked good too and gave the best speech of the day: emotional and very effective. Enough for today. More soon.

Prospective Student Days at Seabury

Came back yesterday from two days at Seabury. When I drove up to Evanston on Sunday afternoon, I had a strong sense of "What am I doing? Am I nuts? This is the wrong thing to be pursuing." Then, a student, Nancy, drove me to the hotel and told me I should expect to have those thoughts every few weeks while in seminary. From that point on, the visit just served to confirm that I was making the right decision. Everything felt so appropriate and I was so comfortable.

The food wasn't bad and I ate too much on Sunday night and Monday. Actually, my calories were just 200 over what I should eat, but that's not too bad. I was so impressed by worship at Seabury. They have at least three worship services every day, Morning Prayer, Eucharist, and something in the evening (Evening Prayer or Compline). We even had an extra Taize service on Monday. The students were incredibly welcoming and open, even the very young ones. That was a nice surprise. I interviewed a lot of them, especially curious to find out what surprised them most in their first year of seminary (the amount of work, that they mourned the career they left behind). Students are very respected and integral to the governance of the school, sitting on faculty committees for hiring and the like. Visiting the dorms and apartments was great. An older student had a dorm room with a private bath that was really charming, but the other dorm rooms were a bit young for me --and too communal. The outside of the apartments is strictly 60s tacky, but the insides are pretty nice. Cinder block, but people do a lot of nice decorating. Some of it was pretty amazing. Don't know that I'd like to be on the third floor. That would be a problem. It sure is nice being so close to Lake Michigan. That area is really beautiful and the Northwestern campus is really lovely.

My interviews were good. Paula Baxter was my faculty interviewer. It was really a pleasant hour. She asked a few probing questions: "Some older students regress when they come to seminary -- become teacher pleasers and lose their intellectual curiousity and the willingness to challenge. Do you think that would happen to you?" And, "Talk about how the tragedies in your life have affected you and changed you." A question I had in my discernment weekend. Her office was so charming. Reminded me of my old college office. The Dean/President interview went well. He also has a Ph.D. in English. My last interview was with a student who was probably in her late 30s or just 40. Very pleasant.

Akma Adams lectured on New Testament. He's funny and bright. Good choice for a demonstration. I liked his approach: don't trust anyone who says, "What that word really means is . . ." (My house has big black carpenter ants, just like the last two years at this time. Such a pain. Got traps.) Yamada and Wondra talked about their classes. They emphasized formation and its importance at Seabury. I really liked that discussion. I also saw Ruth Meyers' lecture on Liturgy Practicum. This week it was on the wedding ceremony. Really fascinating. Realized I knew more about it than I might have thought. These were the graduating seniors, so it was fun to see them just about to go out and be priests.

Funny, I just thought about how, when I attended Don Frye's ordination in December, he said, "In four years, we'll be here to celebrate your ordination," I felt sad and wistful then and thought it wasn't at all likely. Now, it seems a lot more likely. Couldn't be better.

It's So Odd Not to Be Looking For A Job

Well, I just finished a project for a new client, Brian Fletcher. It was easy and fast and he's really a nice guy. Then, Jackie had me bid on doing (just) groups with her on a project in Philadelphia and some other city. And Brian told me about another project, which I don't think will develop. But, this is all good. I should be developing other leads for work -- and I will, but I just don't feel the urgency. Now that seminary is in the offing, all that anxiety about finding a job and finding one I won't hate has disappeared. Everything is on hiatus as far as seminary is concerned, but Matt Gunter did get his reference in and I will go to the Prospective Student Weekend in early April. I need to concentrate on getting a car now before my tires all blow and the engine pops. Time to get busy. Saw Dad today and the Hospice nurse happened to be there. Dad has lost 14 pounds since he came there and 7 pounds in just the last month. That is disturbing and that will make them sign him up for another 3 months of Hospice. We played cards today and he shaved. He has his glasses now, too. I have to remember to pray and not just feel hopeless about this situation.

A Visit to St. Mark's, Geneva

So what is it that no one seems to want to make the sign of the cross anymore? At St. Mark's, like Resurrection, people didn't sign themselves, not even at the Gospel. The priest did, but I was by myself signing away.

I went to the 1868 church at first. Didn't realize there was another one. There was a 5 or 6 piece orchestra breaking up. It turned out it was the end of a special service with contemporary music. A very nice man told me I needed to go to the other church for the 10:30 service and took me outside and pointed me in the right direction. As I walked in, a woman asked me if I was there for the first time. I said I was and we sat together. It turned out she was there for the first time also. At no time did anyone approach either her or me to welcome us. The service had music, but the choir wasn't as good as St. B's. It was a very straightforward Rite II service. The sermon was on the lectionary. The priest mentioned an article that had appeared in USA Today. It sounded like it was not showing the Episcopal Church in the best light. I have to check out that article. The acolytes sat on the side and weren't really part of the altar party. It was a nice service. Afterwards, the woman sitting with me and I talked about the Episcopal Church. She also grew up Roman Catholic. I assured her she could find a home in the Episcopal church and find a good support network if she decided to be part of the community. We exchanged emails. I'll put her on my Discernment Notification list.

Got a note from Liz Donohue at Seabury who told me Matt is the only person who hasn't sent in his recommendation. I will work on that tomorrow.

In the meantime, I've got to get on the car thing. Time to buy one.

A Visit to Resurrection

At my discernment weekend, my committee suggested that I visit about 10 churches other than St. Barnabas before starting seminary. As Steve Marnz said, "You know, don't you, that St. Barnabas is a very special place." They felt I needed to see how the rest of the Anglican Communion did things. So, today I went to Resurrection in West Chicago.

I got there just a few seconds after 10am. The altar party was at the back, so I waited for them to process. Fr. George and I exchanged glances. I'm sure he registered that I was new.

It's not the most beautiful church, but it does the job. At first it wasn't very crowded. I sat near the back in their very comfortable seating. The ceiling is high and the windows are clear-paned. There was a large projection screen on the right with the words of the opening hymn projected. A "choir" stood below -- not robed, standing among the musicians with microphones. They were very energetic and spontaneous. Lots of clapping, swaying, and hands in the air. I found their enthusiasm infectious, although I never got my hands in the air. Before the Gospel, we did a lot of singing. It was quite a buildup.

I noticed several things. Almost no one except the priest made the sign of the cross. I was the only one who crossed him or herself on head, lips, and heart at the Gospel. There was a little kneeling -- on the floor-- but most stood. They did have bells at the consecration though.

I saw Barbara Edgar and we waved at each other. She immediately came to my pew for a hug. She pointed out that Cynthia Bormann with short hair was playing the bongos, but I didn't get to talk with her. Doug Baddorf was there, spoke out as he always does, and it was good to talk with him. Barb introduced me to Fr. George after church. I told him why I was there. She also introduced me to Rebecca, a seminarian who is studying at Northern Baptist in that Anglican Studies program there. She was very nice and enthusiastic about her program, although she said the whole thing is in limbo right now. I wondered to myself what would happen if she's in the "possible break away" group and they decide they don't want women as priests as well as gays and lesbians. It was great to see Barbara Edgar, however, and we'll try to get together soon for breakfast or lunch on a Tuesday.

But more about the service today. I was very moved by it. I don't really like praise music in general, but I like it when the music is something you want to clap and sway to. The sermon was interesting. Fr. George talked about authority in the church. He recounted the history, that bishops are not really hierarchical in scripture, that priests seem to be of the same "rank." He noted that the structure of the Roman Catholic church follows that of the Roman empire and that the Pope is "Caesar." He then showed that the passage in the Bible often used to show we owe obedience to bishops is the only place where "obedience" is the translation for a word used in other places in the Bible that is more often translated "persuasion." His point was that we do not owe obedience to Bishops or anyone else when they are leading us down the wrong path. It certainly sounded like he was preparing the congregation for the coming debate this summer.

At the Prayers of the People, the congregation gathered around the cross and prayed spontaneously. They do it easily and prayed without self-consciousness. The celebration of the Eucharist was de riguer, carefully spoken, and, again, moving. The communion bread was warm, like it had just been baked. They offered grape juice for those who did not want an alcoholic beverage. The children came in just before communion and, in the recessional, several grabbed flags and waved them as we again sang joyously.

It was a good experience and seems like a healthy congregation. I pray they find themselves in agreement with ECUSA come this summer.

Discernment Weekend Recap

My, it's been a long time since I wrote anything. I have to be more religious about this. First, there's the description of the whole discernment weekend. What a ride that was! I arrived at almost the last minute on Friday night, about 7:10. I found out later I could have arrived earlier -- wish I had. I wouldn't have been so frazzled. The Cenacle in Chicago is in the middle of Lincoln Park. An incredible location. It's run now by Loyola as a retreat/meeting house for both religious and secular functions. It's quite nice. The room was retreat house comfortable with a communal bathroom down the hall. It was fine. The only thing I should have brought was a hair dryer.

I got down to the first meeting as the penultimate participant. Everyone was in a huge circle. I was definitely in the older end -- even tho aspirants hadn't been identified as yet. We introduced ourselves by talking about what "we'd left behind." I realized I hadn't left anything behind, so I talked about leaving the 9pm episode of Battlestar Galactica at home -- the only show I stay home to watch. I was the oldest aspirant and our birthdays were actually published on a list. Oh, horror!

We were divided into groups and Elizabeth Molitors and I were in Group C. Rev. Mimi from St. Andrews was the facilitator of my "listeners," but she didn't remember me from being at her table at Cursillo. We did a get-to-know-you exercise and wrote questions in our small group for everyone to answer. We then each picked two questions. I got, "Are you a cat or a dog person?" I talked about Keiko and Sophia and how I had to get rid of them because of "my grandson's allergy." I decided to be right up front about grandchildren and age. Not hide anything in hope people would think me younger than I am. The second question asked me about my favorite high school subject. I said "French," and told the story of our class trip to the Guepratte, the French destroyer at Navy Pier. Soeur Jeanne Louise took about 16 of us in our school uniforms to improve our French with the pompomed French sailors, all about 2 years older than us. (What was she thinking!) We got there as they were finishing lunch: tomatoes, onions, bread, cheese, and wine. We communicated just fine and then paired off to show our sailors the city after Sister had departed. I walked around with Jean-Paul Blanche and then said goodbye to him in the Randolph St. IC station with lots of kisses and lots of disapproving stares. It was 1963.

We went to bed after a cocktail hour. The next morning we had breakfast and morning prayer, then a role play where an assistant rector had to deal with an irate vestry upset about their alcoholic rector and his hushed up divorce. I played an irate vestry member. In a later role play with our small group, I was the rector of a church with a rich parishioner who was responsible for 40% of the operating budget. She wanted to build and fund a new building, but others were against it. It was a fascinating exercise as I found myself trying to find a common ground and doing my best to listen to the issues of both sides very sympathetically.

Then, the visits with "listeners" started. I had a bye the first hour. In the second I met with the lay listener, Galen Berqwardt. I later learned he was a U of C Biz School professor. I was a bit intimidated by him, but soon relaxed and got him laughing. His questions were good. All my listeners' questions were good. They'd obviously done their homework and read my materials carefully. They were quite interested in what I saw myself doing for the church and where I saw my ministry going. The night before, one of the leaders had emphasized the need for tentmaker ministries. I could speak to that issue easily as I've always seen myself as everything other than a parish priest.

My second listener was Rosemary Gooden, who is an adjunct professor at Seabury. We ended up talking about 20 minutes past the time I was supposed to switch to my third interview. I just enjoyed her so much. She was interested in my dissertation and said she looked forward to having me in class. We talked about race issues as well. A very good discussion.

Fr. Steve Marnz was my psychological listeners -- a shortened interview since I had talked so long with Rosemary. Elizabeth told me he was a Jungian, which was just fine with me. He asked me to talk about a time in my life when I failed at something, to talk about how I reacted to it, what I did to deal with it, and how it changed the way I did things going forward. Of course, I talked about my divorce. It was another good discussion.

My last discussion, with Fr. Jay Risk, was the toughest. He didn't display emotion or let his feelings be known. He was the first person to mention my age and ask me what had taken so long. I told him I thought everything was happening at the right time, that it couldn't really have happened sooner (especially with my medical issues being cleared up). He said he didn't buy that, but I was never able to convince him. I also told him that, perhaps it wasn't the right thing to feel, but that I was really enjoying the day. It was downright fun. I also told him that all along in my discernment process, I had asked that if my age made a difference, I wanted to know. I didn't want to waste my time or anyone else's. Everyone said it wasn't a problem. I told Jay that if it suddenly was a problem, I was going to be really annoyed. I didn't mean it as any kind of threat, but I wanted to make it clear how I felt about it.

After the last interview, we went to dinner. Afterwards, we had one final 15 minute interview with all our listeners and Mimi. I was last. I came to the floor where the interview was scheduled and found everyone on my team except one person, who was in with the listeners. Her interview was taking a very long time. She seemed a bit upset when she finally came out. They then ran through the rest of the interviews quickly. They asked me where I got my glasses and my spider pin and then asked me my three strengths and three weaknesses. I told the story of the identification of my gifts in EfM and listed what others saw in me: Pastoral, Preaching, and Faith gifts. I was actually wrong about Preaching. I think it was Teaching they actually identified, but I was loupy by that time. We were all physically wasted as the adrenalin stopped pumping and we were almost done for the night. I can't remember what I said for weaknesses, but I remember something about paying attention to the details and judging people too easily.

It was almost impossible to go to sleep that night. I got up and found Elizabeth's door open. We talked for about a half hour about our mutual jitters and then went to bed.

In the morning, we had Mass and breakfast and then all 14 of the aspirants sat together in a circle with our chaplain, Fr. Brian. It was an odd situation at best. We had all talked about how the whole weekend had been like a reality show. Now, who was going to be voted off the island? Brian said he assumed all of us had a pretty good idea where we stood with our listeners. We looked at him in amazement. All of us were clueless.

They started to call us out one by one. I realized I would be last in our group to go -- the first person in our group was out for 45 minutes -- she still had not returned when several of the others had come back with good news. Only one person came back with middling news -- he'd been asked to wait a couple of years and try again. Finally, I was called. I tried to read their faces, but was unsuccessful. Galen started to speak: "Well, I've been asked to be the spokesperson for the group, to collect our thoughts and give them to you." My heart sank. This didn't sound good. Then he said, "First, before I tell you our decision, I want you to know that we all really enjoyed talking with you. It was really delightful." Again, my heart hit the floor. I'd given too many performance reviews sounding just like this. Then he said, "We are recommending that you go forward on the path you are pursuing." "OK," I thought, "What the . . .?" I said, "Does that mean that you are oking me going to seminary in the fall and studying to be a priest?" The answer was "Yes" and I whooped out loud. I don't remember what I said then, but for some reason they all agreed they should put me forward as a bishop instead of a priest. We had a good laugh.

When I came back to the room, I whooped again and we all celebrated. I went home and had a congratulatory committee that came over to celebrate with me: Fr. Matt, his wife Leslie, Peg, Georgia, Lisa, Priscilla, and, most lovely of all, Junko, Max, Eli, Pete, and Tony. The latter two were also there for the SuperBowl.

A Certain Lack of Focus

Here I am, two days after learning I'm going to seminary. I'm getting stuff done, but there is a "certain lack of focus" which is making this whole thing still a little unreal. There's a lot up in the air. The biggest question is whether or not I will live at Northwestern and how I will finance that. Will I sell my house to have all that extra cash? Do I put my things in storage or sell them too -- or give them away? I know I have time to make these decisions and I'm getting the application to Seabury tomorrow and signing up for the Campus visit in early April. I'll be seeing Matt, my parish priest, soon and we'll talk all this over. That will certainly bring more questions into focus. I'll also talk with my tax accountant in a few weeks. That will be great information to add to this discussion.

This is a lot like deciding to go to DeKalb in 1975 to get our graduate degrees. Friends thought we were gutsy then! Wow, this is absolutely insane gutsy. Virginia Theological Seminary and University of Chicago have both been suggested to me as alternatives to Seabury, but I don't think so. Virginia would mean moving my Dad along with me, living near Karen (which would be nice), and being away from Pete and family, a definitely difficult choice. Chicago is a great school academically. It would be challenging and intellectually stimulating, but, do I think that at this point in my life I need a warmer atmosphere where attention is paid to formation and where I can be integral to the life of the seminary. Seabury makes a lot more sense -- even tho it is really expensive. $60K to $100K they say. But, I'm not going to worry about this. I'm going to enjoy this process. Every day of it.

Discernment Weekend Results

Well, I'm officially on my way to being a postulant and a seminarian this fall. It was wild, intense discernment weekend I was on. I'm really exhuasted today. I think I'm suffering from adrenalin depletion. I'm still flying pretty high. Time to sort it all out. First, I'm surprised how much I enjoyed the weekend. I thought it would be dreadful from all the reports I'd received about past weekends. People were often "destroyed by what the listeners said to them." It sounded as if experiences could be horribly humiliating.

I drove to the Cenacle in Lincoln Park Friday night and managed to get lost a little, taking the wrong turn away from Fullerton, but my usual good sense of direction guided me home. The Cenacle was nice. Rooms were clean and quiet. The bed, of course, was horrible, but that's de riguer.

I was one of the last people to make it to the session. Although many of the staff were my age, all the aspirants were younger by at least 5 years and, in other cases, many more years. But, I was cool. Lots of gay and lesbian people. More than I expected. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Seriously, a lot of people, when asked what they had left behind, mentioned partners. It was a great group.

Checking In

I'm feeling I should say something as the big weekend gets closer. I've been busy being with friends, usually going out to eat. Did my first tutoring today with Rosa Mendoza. It went well. She's a sweet woman and seems more advanced than I was led to believe. She reads English fairly well and just needs some practice here and there. I'll try to be more challenging next week. It's more work preparing for the lessons than I thought it would be. I'm sure it will get easier, but I want to be thorough in my preparation now. I had lunch with Donna Malone, who owns her own focus group facility. We talked about my assisting her going forward.

Then, I called Community Health and Nursing to talk with the Director of Nursing about making sure Dad is shaved and cleaned every day. She says she'll take care of it. We'll see. (My favorite phrase today.) Then, I had dinner with Kim at Olive Garden. It was great to see her. She always has plenty of good advice and interesting stories about her family. Tomorrow I'm lunching with Mike Nadeau and there's always breakfast with the girls on Wednesday. Eat. Eat. Eat. Had a Margarita tonight. My first drink since WLS. Almost no effect and not really worth it.

Too Tired to Be Doing This

It's late Tuesday night, almost Wednesday and I have to be up at 5:20 to meet with my Cursillo reunion group. Had a great EfM (Education for Ministry) class tonight. Did my autobiography focusing on my History of Play. A good focus. My history of playing games, traveling the world, and giving parties. Realized I haven't really given a party in a long time -- not for most of the past six years. I should think about doing so after the big weekend. I guess I'm assuming thumbs up -- it seems like I am, but I'm not. I'm really caring a great deal about this and, right now, I'm tired. Lord, thy will be done.

A New Beginning

Read Me First Posts from an older blog

I have an older blog I began in 2004 which I can't access as a writer anymore. I'm going to bring that information into this blog now:

Donnsywonnsywizzleberry's Blog Wednesday, June 02, 2004

Feeling sick and sick and tired.

Nasty post nasal drip causing me to cough so much it makes me throw up. Feeling absolutely crummy. Hard to get excited about work, hard to get excited about anything. Praying a lot for my sister, though. She's a Type 1 diabetic -- since she was 18 months old and she's 46 now. She's got edema and is in lots of pain. They've taken her off Lipitor -- the muscle destroyer. Hoping all will be well soon. She's got a job possibly - and that's good. She hasn't worked in a year. I'm going to bed and rest up -- it's 7pm. Haven't done this in a long time.

Thursday, June 03, 2004

Still sick.

I'll go to the doctor tomorrow if this doesn't get much better. But, more than that, my friend Lucille called me with the news that my good friend Julia died today. She battled cancer throughout her body for about 18 months. It started with a melanoma in her big toe. She was told it was a wart by a dermatologist. Her sister in England became ill. She took care of her, focused on her and ignored the "wart" for 6 months. When she saw another doctor, he identified it as a melanoma. Well, all is over now. The cancer was everywhere but she maintained her good humor and was reading "Rumpole of the Bailey" just this week. I don't want to cry. It will make my cold that much more miserable. I'll postpone the crying. Let me remember her through a Herrick poem I introduced to her: "Upon Julia's Clothes." It surprised me so much that she was not familiar with the poem. I first read it in high school, so I thought an English girl would certainly have read it. It reminds me of her in a special way:

UPON JULIA'S CLOTHES

by Robert Herrick

WHENAS in silks my Julia goes,
Then, methinks, how sweetly flows
That liquefaction of her clothes.
Next, when I cast mine eyes and see
That brave vibration each way free
O how that glittering taketh me !

Saturday, June 05, 2004

Still sick and still thinking about Julia.

So, I have bronchitis and I have drugs and I'm on the mend but feeling like a truck hit me. Still trying not to cry so I won't make my self even more miserable, but Julia so deserves the tears. We'll have a memorial service. I'd like to speak, and I've thought about what I'd say. I've thought of Julia as an Evangelist, how she played so great a role in my spiritual development. She was there to greet me the first day I walked into St. B's., my parish church. Within a few minutes she had introduced me to several others and told me about joining one of the small groups. She also shared her grief over the recent death of her granddaughter. This all should have so turned me off, but it didn't. Her warmth, her genuine compassion, her great English accent. It all felt right and warm and the right place to be. And then there is the "Upon Julia's Clothes" poem I introduced her to. Her support of me in my annis horribilis in '99 was unfailing. I have her voice on tape. I'll never erase it. This passage from Romans 8 always gives me solace at times like this:

What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all--how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who is he that condemns? Christ Jesus, who died – more than that, who was raised to life – is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written: "For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered."No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Tuesday, June 08, 2004

Sitting in Limbo.

I have a new boss and a reorganization is coming -- again. Am I tense? Yes. I try to relax and I'm able to let go most of the time, but I'm grinding my teeth at night and I need to get a new night guard -- and see the dentist. I need to take action. To do something for myself that moves me forward. I'm just sitting here now waiting for the blow to fall. Dad escaped from the Alzheimer place on Saturday. Great. Now I have that to worry about.

Wednesday, December 15, 2004

Back after much time and many changes

Interesting reading the last blog. Getting worried because of a new boss. Accurate gut feelings. Laid off on July 14--Bastille day! Got out of prison free. Since then. Lots of depression and paralysis but a lot of good relaxation too. Trip with Karen and Max to DisneyWorld and the hurricane. A great 9 days. Gallbladder surgery in October and Eli born on September 26. What a joy he's been. What a happy, easy-to-care-for baby. Still not much progress looking for a job, but I was contacted by Ace today. Bigger stuff happening. Last week, Bonnie suggested I think about gastric bypass surgery. I had many objections. My sister Karen also suggested it last week and I had lots of objections. Easy way out. Wouldn't work for me. Can't eat much of anything afterwords. Bonnie gave me places to research. Some testimonials caught my attention. I investigated the programs at Alexian Brothers and at the Wish Center. I was impressed with the latter and went to a 2 hour intro tonight. Met a really nice doctor. Felt very positive about it all. I feel filled with hope. I'll be called on Monday and then go to the first day appointment -- 4 hours -- on the 22nd. I have homework and plan to go in with my eyes open. But I'm psyched. This really seems possible. Hope is a bornin'.

Thursday, December 16, 2004

Not so manic today

I'm much more subdued today. I was heady last night with the stories of recovery and freedom I heard last night at The Wish Center. It is surgery after all. A long incision or lots of holes from a laproscopic procedure. So, I'm a little down. And my son, Pete, is looking for someone to babysit for my new grandson, Eli, next week and I'm really not available. I think I'll call him and see if he's made any progress in getting out of that conundrum.

Monday, January 03, 2005


It's 2005 and I've spent a lot of time away from my blog. Sorry, Blog. Much has happened. Went to my 6 hour appointment at the WISH center and saw shrink, exercise psychologist, nutritionist, nurse, doctor, finance person -- and got my new diet, exercise list, vitamin list, pills to take for H. pyelori, etc. I'm on my way. Saw Paul Menet, my regular doctor, on Thursday. Thought he'd really be opposed to the gastric bypass surgery, but he was more supportive than expected. He thought I'd have to wait a year for approval. As it happens, at that very moment, I was getting the news that the WISH center had gotten approval and I needed to schedule surgery. Told Tony, Pete, and Junko about the surgery yesterday and they were incredibly supportive and happy about it. Junko hugged me and cried. I love her so much. Tony seemed ecstatic. I'm high on all this. Today, I scheduled the surgery for March 17 and found out that my CT Scan on my heart done yesterday was "normal for me." Great news. I'm still flying.


May 21, 2005

Had open RNY on St. Paddy's Day (3/17/05) It's now May 21, 2005 and a lot has happened. I lost 15 pounds in the first 2 weeks after surgery and I was flying high. I then proceed to lose NOTHING for the next six weeks. One week I even gained 2 pounds. My frame of mind was not good. On my worst days I assumed I was the only person in the world for whom this surgery would not work. All I could say was, "Why have I done this to myself?" I was also retaining a lot of water. I started to take hydrochlorothyazide again and weighed myself after 3 days. I was down 10 pounds and 2 more pounds last Monday. (I plan to only weigh myself on Mondays going forward.) I learned two things from this experience: 1) I can be assured that weight loss will come if I'm patient; and 2) I won't do what I used to do when I hit a plateau -- eat forbidden food and binge. So far I've had no complications (although right now I'm taking supplemental potassium because I'm a bit low there.) I'm down from size 26 pants to 20. My tops are now 18 (from 24). I'm feeling good and looking forward to that energy everyone talks about later in the weight loss.

6/2/05

I'm losing weight more slowly than most people, but I'm resigned to that and it doesn't bother me that much anymore. My clothes do get looser and looser and that is exciting in itself. I am down 54 pounds as of today. The exciting thing is that my weight is now 249, so the bottom weight on my doctor's scalle is at 200 instead of 250! That is progress.

6/12/05

I'll weigh myself tomorrow -- just once a week, but my clothes have really gotten loose in the last week, so, even if the scale hasn't caught up, I have many good feelings about myself. The coolest thing that has happened recently is that my cholesterol is magnificent. The HDL is 57 and the LDL (the bad stuff) is 39. Yes, 39. Not 139 -- 39. This is great news.

6/13/05

Lost another four pounds.

7/7/05

I've been at 242 for about 10 days. Frustrating, but I handle plateaus a lot better than I did. WISH Center did a great job tonight at the support group presenting information on plateaus. Really excellent. I'm recommittng to exercise. I'll have five days of 35 minutes this week and will do my weights tomorrow. I'm still doing only 1 set a week. There's a lot of work involved in this process. I'm praying I can stay committed.

7/21/05

I'm finally down 5 more pounds to 237. And, it seems as if the swelling in my feet is greatly reduced. That's great, because it gets so difficult to walk when they are swollen. I am scheduled for surgery on September 13 for a knee replacement. I'm actually really looking forward to it. I'll get so much more exercise. I really think it will accellerate my weight loss. I am feeling great and am finally managing to get about 1000-1100 calories in every day. Protein and water are really good. It is frustrating, though, how I buy pants and they are big on me within a few days. I guess I just have to find a cheap source for pants. Getting to 209 is a big milestone for me. That's how far I got the last time I lost weight and I looked really good then and could shop in "normal size" stores. I'm off two blood pressure drugs (only Lopressor remains). I still take Crestor even though my total cholesterol is 103 and, of course, I'm taking synthroid. I have a pain drug for my arthritis, ultram, but I don't take it very often and I'm not sure it makes much of a difference. But, all is well. The White Sox are beating the Red Sox; hopefully that lead will last for another few innings.

7/30/05

My weight is at the same place, but, boy, am I getting compliments lately. I saw myself reflected in a window yesterday and, yes, that pear shape is disappearing. The hips and thighs are more in line with my upper body. I have bones and I have a real waist. It's wonderful. Had a job interview yesterday and was invited back for second interviews. I need a job, so that's good. I think I would like this job. It's challenging, so that's my no. 2 requirement. The no. 1 requirement is that it be close to home -- and it's 20 minutes away, which is just fine. I have to have my new pants taken in. Inches seem to go much faster than pounds. And I'm starting a list of benefits of this surgery that I'll add to as time goes on:

1. The "shelf" is gone (my fat upper body and boobs). My tops always had food on them after a meal. I always spilled everything! No more!

2. Theatre seats are comfy.

3. Airline seats too.

4. Being able to move in department store aisles without knocking stuff off tables with my butt.

5. Spending a lot less on food.

6. Getting out of the car is easier.

7. My 7 year old grandson said, "You look thinner, Nonna." God bless him.

8. I have energy and people tell me the sparkle is back in my eye.

9. I am shopping in regular size stores and finding things that fit and things that are too big!

10. Napkins don't fall off my lap any more.

11. I have a lap and my grandchildren can sit on it.

12. My dentist was orgasmic over my gums when I last saw him. They weren't in really bad shape before, but he says they are really "beautiful and healthy" now.

8/11/05

Time really goes by fast. I'm down four pounds to 233 and a BMI of 40. Just one more pound and I'm 39 point something. That is a good accomplishment. I usually don't weigh myself on a Thursday, but I could feel a change in my body. My hip bone is downright scary. It protudes! That's a new one. And my waist is even more defined -- and I've been peeing gallons (always a sure sign of some weight loss). Anyway, I feel great and am increasingly patient with how slow my weight loss is. 70 pounds is nothing to sneeze about. Life is good.

8/24/05

I'm getting more serious about preparing for my knee surgery on the 13th. I'm seeing my cardiologist tomorrow and hope approval from him will be easy. My clothes continue to get looser even though I'm not losing weight that fast. My body is definitely changing and I'm doing plenty of exercising. I've noticed lately that I don't get that "full" feeling before I finish my half cup. So, I'm trying to be super careful about how much I eat at a meal. It would be so easy to eat too much. I'm also suprised how things I used to love don't taste that great anymore, especially white stuff: pasta, bread, sugar, etc.

9/12/05

Here I am a day before my knee replacement surgery and I dropped another 4 pounds: 226 now! Feeling good and feisty. I hope my surgery doesn't slow my weight loss too much.

9/27/05

I've had my knee surgery and I'm happy to be focusing on gaining movement in my knee rather than losing weight. Actually, I'm down another 5 pounds since surgery -- 82 in total -- and feeling really good about it. Surgery went well. My doctor, David Chang, did my other knee and he is an artist. Unfortunately, the anaesthesiologist stuck me 6 times for my spinal and then they discovered I was feeling things as they began the surgery. Luckily, I don't remember. Some of the nurses in the hospital were great; others left a lot to be desired. I was just another piece of meat, but it was great to have good upper body strength after exercising for the past 6 months. It all paid off. So, I'm trudging forward and feeling good about the future.

10/15/05

I have come up with a wish list of what I want to be able to do, experience, etc. as my body melts away. So, here goes:

1. I want to buy clothes in a normal size store (That's happening.)

2. I want to run -- not on a daily basis but just be able to do it -- a sprint, maybe. The last time I did that was in 1982 when I weighed 155 pounds.

3. I want to get on the floor and play with my grandchildren. (Accomplished, although I don't get up off the floor with incredible ease.)

4. I want to travel back to Italy and other places, walk around without extreme exhaustion, and enjoy myself.

5. I want to go to the older singles group at Christ Church in Oakbrook and meet some nice people.

6. I want a new direction in my life, a new career. (And I'm in the discernment process for the Episcopal priesthood. We'll see.)

7. I want to know the joy of not being constantly conscious of my body and how people might be perceiving it and me. (Already occuring even though I have a lot more to lose.)

8. I want to ride a bike. (Accomplished! Spring 2006.)

9. I want to dance.

10. I want to clean up my garage and basement. (Done -- Summer 2006).

11. I want to be off as many drugs as possible (currently down from 8 to 3)

12. I want to fit in chairs and seats everywhere. (Accomplished)

13. I want to feel the energy everyone talks about. (It's starting.)

14. I want to wear sexy clothes and shoes. (I am.)

15. I want to be able to take a shower and reach everywhere. (Accomplished).

16. I want to walk around DisneyWorld with my grandsons -- (not on a scooter like last time.)

11/2/05

Yesterday was the fifth anniversary of my mother's death and I missed her terribly. I'd forgotten about the anniversary for a bit, but I should have realized it was coming because I ate 6 mini-candy bars on Monday. I was so pissed at myself. I'm back on track and trying to be patient since my weight loss has slowed down. Only 2 pounds in the last 3 weeks. Patience. Patience. I feel good, tho, and clothes are fitting even better. Just a doldrum period, I guess. Well, I'm down 88 pounds. That is an improvement.

11/16/05

I'm a bit stalled. Lost another pound this week, so I'm down 89 pounds, but I've hardly moved in the last month. Clothes feel great though. Time to report on another aspect of my life. For the last three years, I have been hearing a call to the Episcopal Priesthood -- not that I wanted to. I fought it tooth and nail, but the indications kept popping up. A year ago, I realized I couldn't go forward unless there were big changes in health and well-being. Weightloss surgery seemed to be the best solution. Two weeks before surgery, I had my first discernment committee meeting. I met with 5 people monthly through August. It was a wonderful experience. They quizzed me and asked about my life and motivation. I found myself getting a clearer vision of where I was going and I felt very committed to moving to the next step. Luckily, the committee agreed and I'm in the next stage -- filling out all the paperwork, taking the psychological tests and medical tests and exam. I still need to meet with the psychiatrist and the Bishop of Chicago. If that goes well, I'll go to a discernment weekend in February where I'll continue to be questioned by others and myself. If that goes well, I should be in seminary in the fall. Anything can happen, but it's an adventure for sure.

12/10/05

I'm down another 5 pounds to a total loss of 94. I know the next 6 will be hell, but I'm patient. There's snow on the ground and, for the first time in years, I'm not deathly afraid of every step I take. Also, I'm enjoying preparing for Christmas. I'm no longer on anti-depressants and I'm feeling great in spite of the fact that I'm dealing with my dad's angry dementia and his being in a nursing home and with my son and daughter-in-law going through young married life problems. All in all, I'm doing okay. I just have to meet the Bishop and then go to the discernment weekend.

January 23, 2006

Time to start a new blog. For some reason I can't get access to the blog I started in 2004. Not to worry. No time like the present. Here is the deal. I'm 58, grandmother of two boys and moving at full speed to a new career, a new calling. I'm an aspirant for the Episcopal priesthood. It's been 3 and a half years getting here and the first weekend in February will give me my thumbs up or thumbs down call from a group of "listeners" who will be focused on 14 of us aspirants in the Chicago diocese. I'll be filling in some of the backstory, but the big question is, "What is a woman who spent twenty-five years as a confirmed atheist thinking of?" I confess I'm as surprised as anyone.

I'm suddenly nervous about the February 3-5, 2006 weekend. I wasn't worried last week because I just thought I'd be myself, be friendly, and do plenty of my own listening, and then get a letter with the decision a few weeks after the fateful weekend. Well, no such luck. We actually get the big decision Sunday morning, February 5. That sobered me up. I'm going to take their advice and have a few friends to meet with when I get home. Either to cry with or celebrate with.

This has all been very much like a reality show. I've jumped through several "hoops" to get to this point. First, I talked with my priest, Matt Gunter, for about 6 months. That began in 2002. Then, Matt needed to set up a Discernment Committee. It took a while. That finally formed in March of 2005. I met with them for 6 months and they gave their go ahead in September 2005. Since that time, my interest in and experience of the call have gotten stronger and stronger. I've also received lots of support from many of the people who know me well and some who know me not so well. I've received encouragement from places I didn't expect it. I feel confirmed in the direction I'm going.

I had my medical exam and took the psychological tests that were necessary. I spoke to the psychologist and managed to get through all these hurdles. There have also been background checks and visits with Bishop Persell and the Canon to the Ordinary, Rev. Hayashi. I'll try to recapture my thoughts on all these experiences, but, for now, I'll hold off.